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Message no. 1
From: Simon and Fiona sfuller@******.com.au
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 17:29:32 +1100
-----Original Message-----
From: Joe McRage <gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl>
To: srfanfic@*********.com <srfanfic@*********.com>
Date: Tuesday, November 07, 2000 12:45 AM
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text


>
>Hi,
>
>this is my first post to this ML so please be kind :-)
>
>Ok, here is my retired character's history (first part). What I need is
>poinitng out mistakes (either grammar or lexicographical (sp?) ones).
>I tried ot make it in a form of a biography, but I do not know if I
>succeeded, even partially. This is just the beginning.
>
It's a good setup, very much like the intro to a movie, which I think is
what you were aiming at. The problem is that it reads like something
translated from another language. Hoping to God that English isn't your
first language (otherwise I'm being very offensive), you should find someone
who does speak English as a first language to edit for you. I don't think
that would be much work for someone to do, but it will make your story
easier to read.
Message no. 2
From: Simon and Fiona sfuller@******.com.au
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 17:56:14 +1100
-----Original Message-----
From: Joe McRage <gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl>
To: srfanfic@*********.com <srfanfic@*********.com>
Date: Friday, November 10, 2000 6:43 PM
Subject: Re: Need oppinions on my first English text


>> The problem is that it reads like something translated from another
>> language. Hoping to God that English isn't your first language (otherwise
>> I'm being very offensive), you should find someone who does speak English
>> as a first language to edit for you. I don't think that would be much
>> work for someone to do, but it will make your story easier to read.
>
>Yeah, as you noticed English is not my native language (which is Polish). I
>didn't translated it, it has obiously something to do with thought
patterns.
>Thanks for your comments. Anything else?
>
Um, that's about it, I'd like to read it again if you can find an English
speaker to help edit it. I have known a Polish person, and several from that
general area of the world, who speak English pretty much the way you wrote,
so it is obviously down to differences in language structure. I'd give you
more advice, but I'm only new to writing myself, and have no training or
anything.
Oh, and sorry about taking so long to comment the first time, my life has
been hectic.
Message no. 3
From: Simon and Fiona sfuller@******.com.au
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 18:06:32 +1100
-----Original Message-----
From: Joe McRage <gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl>
To: srfanfic@*********.com <srfanfic@*********.com>
Date: Friday, November 10, 2000 6:55 PM
Subject: Re: Need oppinions on my first English text


>

>> Oh, and sorry about taking so long to comment the first time, my life has
>> been hectic.
>
>No problem. I wonder someone ever responded :-)
>
Don't take it personally, its happened to me too. I think a lot of people on
this list don't say anything if they haven't got anything to comment on. It
can seem like nobody cares, I know, but its just that they don't want to be
just another post saying "Yeah nice" :)
Message no. 4
From: Joe McRage gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2000 14:44:41 +0100 (MET)
Hi,

this is my first post to this ML so please be kind :-)

Ok, here is my retired character's history (first part). What I need is
poinitng out mistakes (either grammar or lexicographical (sp?) ones).
I tried ot make it in a form of a biography, but I do not know if I
succeeded, even partially. This is just the beginning.

Here it goes:

Part I

My name is Cedric Seth. I just figured out this word processor so I
can write the summary of my life. I am now 57 years old. I have beautiful
wife, her name is Luthaviel Seth. You might know this name, she was a very
popular actress during 70's. We have great mansion on St.Lucia Island, near
Pudget Sound. And I just want to write it down.

I was born 29 January 2032, in Los Angeles suburbs. My parents were
rather poor, so did I. I have gone to Define Junior School, but I quit when
I was 16. I ran away from my parents, from poverty, from everlasting
feeling of hopelessness. It was stupid, though. After a couple of days I
began to starve, had nothing to drink and no money. I had nowhere to go. I
was alone.
Near Bakersfield, in decent-sized forest, I fell unconscious. Next
thing I saw was the beautiful face of elven girl over my head and the soft
touch of her hands gently drying my forehead from sweat. Over next few days
I was too feeble to even stand on my own. Later I founded out her name was
Luthaviel and she was a daughter of Kuburo-san, Japanese hermit. At least I
considered him to be a recluse. Over next few weeks I found he was Martial
Artist. I had some brawling experience so I thought: 'Maybe he does know
some fancy-pancy moves, but I bet I could beat him, he is so small and
weak'. After a few times I hit the ground, I realized I had been wrong.
Angry and humilated, I wanted to leave that house, that fragging forest and
that freaky old man at once. Even now I tremble at thought I could do that.
But Luthaviel calmed me and coerced me to stay at least a few days. I had
no choice, I already fell in love with her even I hadn't acknowledged that.
So I began to learn from that man all that he knew. Now I know he has
chosen me to be his pupil the time he found me because he figured I was an
adept and I had 'the potential'.
Time passed, we were growing up. When I was around eighteen, it was
June 2050 or so, Kuburo-san had said to me: "You will go to Japan with my
friend, you will study in the country of my ancestors the noble Morihei
Ueishiba's Art. You will not fail, when you will return you will prove me
you deserve to stay with me and learn from me." What could I say, I went to
Japan. There I have been for over one year. All the time I was studying
Aikido. When I learned everything they could teach me, I went back to
America. I couldn't go directly to my sensei and my lady-love, as I didn't
know my sensei agreed I was ready yet, so I tried to get a job. When I was
sitting in some bar and eating rice, pickled vegetables and raw fish some
guy sat vis-a-vis and asked me if I don't look after job. I said yes and he
told me he could arrange something. That was my first run.
I met the others at "O'Malleys Bar". There were big troll, I was said
he was mage and tall and powerfully build elf (later he became my friend).
We were to protect Mrs. Mayor of Seattle from psychotic cyborgs escaped
from facility where they were created. They threatened they assassinate her
so director of the cyborg factory wanted to solve the problem. He's
explained to us the limitations of fugees and described them. There were
three of them: Zeus, their commander, Mandragora - close combat machine and
some whose name I don't remember. We failed, mutilated by cyborgs, and
Mayor was killed during ceremony of name-giving to the ship. Troll lost one
eye. I was saved by Mandragora; after going down from grenade blast, I saw
her strange yet almost human looking face staring at me. I was damn lucky.
She helped me by injecting some healing drug. Till now I owe her.
Then I have returned after over one year. When I first saw Luthaviel
she was swimming in the cool waters of Kyle Creek. I thought I could watch
her perfect body all the eternity... I sneaked, and not suprisingly, she
spotted me (I must say she is almost flawless, her only flaw is her
curiosity). We've returned home and I formally challenged Kuburo-san. He
had hardly won. Exhausted and proud I went to my tent. I was trying to fall
asleep, when I had heard someone entering. I grabbed my yari and prepared
to deal with intruder when I smelled her. I've trembled at thought sensei
could catch us in my tent, at night. Before I could react, she threw me at
my bed and we did it. I became a man...
Next day, when I met Kuburo-san, I asked him: "Sensei-san, I want to
marry your daughter. Please, do not object, master." I waited nervously.
Then he finally answered, hiding smile: "Only if she wants to." She was
standing behind him and after hearing his words she smiled, ran to me and
we kissed in the most passionate way.
It was 5 May 2052. Beautiful sunny day. Happiness, joy and laughter
filled the small clearing in the Mughukghee Forest. We have just married.
But as life is full of happy moments, it is also filled with grief. Two
weeks after our honeymoon, Kuburo-san died...


< To be continued, maybe ;]>

Guru (aka Slaanesh)

--
And she comes down to me
And she offers me sleep
Under her black wings
Glenn Danzig
Message no. 5
From: Joe McRage gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000 08:43:15 +0100 (MET)
Hi there,

> >Ok, here is my retired character's history (first part). What I need is
> >poinitng out mistakes (either grammar or lexicographical (sp?) ones).
> >I tried ot make it in a form of a biography, but I do not know if I
> >succeeded, even partially. This is just the beginning.
>
> It's a good setup, very much like the intro to a movie, which I think is
> what you were aiming at.

Exactly. I bow to your clairvoyance (lacking of better word)

> The problem is that it reads like something translated from another
> language. Hoping to God that English isn't your first language (otherwise
> I'm being very offensive), you should find someone who does speak English
> as a first language to edit for you. I don't think that would be much
> work for someone to do, but it will make your story easier to read.

Yeah, as you noticed English is not my native language (which is Polish). I
didn't translated it, it has obiously something to do with thought patterns.
Thanks for your comments. Anything else?


Sincerely,
Grzegorz


--
And she comes down to me
And she offers me sleep
Under her black wings
Glenn Danzig
Message no. 6
From: Joe McRage gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000 08:54:45 +0100 (MET)
> >Thanks for your comments. Anything else?
>
> Um, that's about it, I'd like to read it again if you can find an English
> speaker to help edit it. I have known a Polish person, and several from that
> general area of the world, who speak English pretty much the way you wrote,
> so it is obviously down to differences in language structure. I'd give you
> more advice, but I'm only new to writing myself, and have no training or
> anything.
> Oh, and sorry about taking so long to comment the first time, my life has
> been hectic.

No problem. I wonder someone ever responded :-)

Gurus.

--
And she comes down to me
And she offers me sleep
Under her black wings
Glenn Danzig
Message no. 7
From: Joe McRage gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000 09:05:55 +0100 (MET)
> >No problem. I wonder someone ever responded :-)
>
> Don't take it personally, its happened to me too. I think a lot of people on
> this list don't say anything if they haven't got anything to comment on. It
> can seem like nobody cares, I know, but its just that they don't want to be
> just another post saying "Yeah nice" :)

I am not taking it personally, just wondering how much traffic this list
has generated last days :-). Well, maybe I was a bit disappointed.... :-),
but now I am not.

Thanks,
Gurus.

PS. I envy you for cutting posts and replying *below*.

--
And she comes down to me
And she offers me sleep
Under her black wings
Glenn Danzig
Message no. 8
From: Dvixen dvixen@****.com
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Sun, 12 Nov 2000 00:37:40 -0800
> Hi,
>
> this is my first post to this ML so please be kind :-)

You must have us mistaken for another list. >:D (JOKING! Everyone on
here is so well behaved. Quiet, but behaved. They need to write more.)

> Ok, here is my retired character's history (first part). What
> I need is
> poinitng out mistakes (either grammar or lexicographical (sp?) ones).
> I tried ot make it in a form of a biography, but I do not know if I
> succeeded, even partially. This is just the beginning.

Well, in my first read over it came across very well, your ideas are
clear, even through the occasional grammar problem.

(after edit: A lot of the stuff I added in are the same type of grammar
mistake, don't be disheartened, please! Your posting this far outwieghs
any errors. And if anyone disagrees with me, I have a few Rabid
Woodchucks that haven't been fed in ages!)

[snip please note, random snipping occurs, I hate emails longer than
they need to be)]
> popular actress during 70's. We have great mansion on

Uhm... During the 70's? Sorry, but this just strikes me wierd. It wasn't
until my third reading that I realised this is written in Shadowrun's
future. :/ Oops!

> I was born 29 January 2032, in Los Angeles suburbs. My parents were

...in the Los...

> rather poor, so did I. I have gone to Define Junior School,

...so was I... or ...My parents were rather poor, (enter a description
of how life was scratched out by the parents, maybe his thoughts about
what they did, since this is the voice you are writing in)...
Personally, I'm fond of the second option. :D

> I was 16. I ran away from my parents, from poverty, from everlasting

...from the everlasting...

> feeling of hopelessness. It was stupid, though. After a
> couple of days I
> began to starve, had nothing to drink and no money. I had

Combine 'I was stupid, though.' with the following sentence, somehow? It
may make the 'I was alone.' stand out a bit more. (Me like!)

> nowhere to go. I
> was alone.
> Near Bakersfield, in decent-sized forest, I fell unconscious. Next

...in a decent sized...

> thing I saw was the beautiful face of elven girl over my head
> and the soft
> touch of her hands gently drying my forehead from sweat. Over

...forehead of sweat...

> next few days

...over the next... Though with the next bit, I'd consider a rephrasing,
...During the next few days,... perhaps? Personal preference.

> I was too feeble to even stand on my own. Later I founded out
> her name was
> Luthaviel and she was a daughter of Kuburo-san, Japanese
> hermit. At least I

...Kuburo-san, a Japanese...

> considered him to be a recluse. Over next few weeks I found

...Over the next...

> he was Martial
> Artist. I had some brawling experience so I thought: 'Maybe

...was a Martail Artist...

> weak'. After a few times I hit the ground, I realized I had

...After I had hit the ground a few times...

> that freaky old man at once. Even now I tremble at thought I
> could do that.

...at the thought...

> But Luthaviel calmed me and coerced me to stay at least a few
> days. I had
> no choice, I already fell in love with her even I hadn't

...I had already... ...even though I...

> guy sat vis-a-vis and asked me if I don't look after job. I

...look after a job... While not proper English, it does it's duty quite
well. It's actually a much older (and proper) form of English, so bully
for you for that! :D

> I met the others at "O'Malleys Bar". There were big troll,

...There was a big...

> I was said

...I was told...

> he was mage and tall and powerfully build elf (later he

...was a mage... a rephrasing of this to: ...I was told the tall and
powerful elf was a mage... Maybe?

> from facility where they were created. They threatened they

...from the facility... ...They threatened they would assassinate....

> assassinate her
> so director of the cyborg factory wanted to solve the problem. He's

...so the director...

> Mayor was killed during ceremony of name-giving to the ship.

...and the Mayor...

> Troll lost one
> eye. I was saved by Mandragora; after going down from grenade

...The Troll lost....

> She helped me by injecting some healing drug. Till now I owe her.

Till now, or since then?

> Then I have returned after over one year. When I first saw Luthaviel
> she was swimming in the cool waters of Kyle Creek. I thought
> I could watch
> her perfect body all the eternity... I sneaked, and not

And for a surprise, you can get away without 'the' in 'all the eternity'
Go figure. ;)

> to deal with intruder when I smelled her. I've trembled at

smelled her sounds rather... crude? (to me, at any rate) 'caught her
scent', perhaps?

> thought sensei

...at the thought the...

> < To be continued, maybe ;]>

I'm holding you to that! Good posters are hard to find!
Message no. 9
From: Joe McRage gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 12:41:07 +0100 (MET)
> > this is my first post to this ML so please be kind :-)
>
> You must have us mistaken for another list. >:D (JOKING! Everyone on
> here is so well behaved. Quiet, but behaved. They need to write more.)

Hehe, I add this line always when writing for the first time :-D

> > Ok, here is my retired character's history (first part). What
[snip]

> Well, in my first read over it came across very well, your ideas are
> clear, even through the occasional grammar problem.

Thankies. :-)

> (after edit: A lot of the stuff I added in are the same type of grammar
> mistake, don't be disheartened, please! Your posting this far outwieghs
> any errors. And if anyone disagrees with me, I have a few Rabid
> Woodchucks that haven't been fed in ages!)

Ohh, those little poor underfed Woodchuks. ;-D

> > popular actress during 70's. We have great mansion on
>
> Uhm... During the 70's? Sorry, but this just strikes me wierd. It wasn't
> until my third reading that I realised this is written in Shadowrun's
> future. :/ Oops!

It is actually set in past. We have played for 3 years, and ended in '90. But
for all of you, poor slow people, I can forgive you ;-)

> ...so was I... or ...My parents were rather poor, (enter a description
> of how life was scratched out by the parents, maybe his thoughts about
> what they did, since this is the voice you are writing in)...
> Personally, I'm fond of the second option. :D

Yeah, I 'll do it.

> ...look after a job... While not proper English, it does it's duty quite
> well. It's actually a much older (and proper) form of English, so bully
> for you for that! :D

Hmm..., could you explain what 'bully for you for that' does mean in English
oh wonderful Lady Dvixen :-).

> > She helped me by injecting some healing drug. Till now I owe her.
>
> Till now, or since then?

Yeah, since then. You are right.

> > to deal with intruder when I smelled her. I've trembled at
>
> smelled her sounds rather... crude? (to me, at any rate) 'caught her
> scent', perhaps?

Yesssss ma'am.

> > < To be continued, maybe ;]>
>
> I'm holding you to that! Good posters are hard to find!

/me blushes. Thank you very much for pointing out mistakes, suggesting how
to phrase some, well..., phrases ;) and for your support.

/me bows repectfully.

Slaanesh (aka Cedric Seth)

--
And she comes down to me
And she offers me sleep
Under her black wings
Glenn Danzig
Message no. 10
From: Dvixen dvixen@****.com
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 13:20:49 -0800
> > You must have us mistaken for another list. >:D (JOKING! Everyone on
> > here is so well behaved. Quiet, but behaved. They need to
> write more.)
>
> Hehe, I add this line always when writing for the first time :-D

Hehe, you mean you don't add it every single time? ;)


> Hmm..., could you explain what 'bully for you for that' does
> mean in English
> oh wonderful Lady Dvixen :-).

It means good for you, basically. >:D


> > > < To be continued, maybe ;]>
> >
> > I'm holding you to that! Good posters are hard to find!
>
> /me blushes. Thank you very much for pointing out mistakes,
> suggesting how
> to phrase some, well..., phrases ;) and for your support.
>
> /me bows repectfully.

/me watches Slaan fall over. "Pick yerself up man! You've got revisions
to write!"
Message no. 11
From: Joe McRage gburus@***.univ.szczecin.pl
Subject: Need oppinions on my first English text
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 11:30:38 +0100 (MET)
> > > You must have us mistaken for another list. >:D (JOKING! Everyone on
> > > here is so well behaved. Quiet, but behaved. They need to
> > write more.)
> >
> > Hehe, I add this line always when writing for the first time :-D
>
> Hehe, you mean you don't add it every single time? ;)

Nope, just for the first time I post a new thingie ;]

> > Hmm..., could you explain what 'bully for you for that' does
> > mean in English
> > oh wonderful Lady Dvixen :-).
>
> It means good for you, basically. >:D

And not basically? ;-)

> /me watches Slaan fall over. "Pick yerself up man! You've got revisions
> to write!"

/me picks himself up and ayayssir ;)

As soon as possible (if school would not interfere <g>) I will continue
(hey, after 3 years of gaming, this story could be very large, I hope at
least).

Slaanesh, ever thankful.


--
And she comes down to me
And she offers me sleep
Under her black wings
Glenn Danzig

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