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Message no. 1
From: Anissa Mathias anissamr@*****.com
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 10:35:40 -0700 (PDT)
Here is the revised version of chapter one, or should
I say chapters one through four?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Chapter One

July 20, 2061

A young man in his early twenties sits down on a
rickety crate in a run down part of the CAS Sector in
Denver. He looks to be a shade taller than six feet
and underweight for his height. He tests the crate to
see if it will hold him before he makes himself
comfortable. He then moves over a lock of his dark
blonde hair so that he can insert the data cable into
his jack.

Pacing the hotel room across from the man is an
Amerindian male that seems to loom over Michael.
Ragingbear is six-foot-six and close to four hundred
pounds of muscle. His chocolate brown eyes scan the
hotel room.

The place has but one light that hangs from the
center of the room as it sways and casts an eerie
light on the rest of the room. There is a blue cloth
chair that sits next to a boarded up window across
from the front door. The fact that half of the chair
is missing tells Johnny why Mike didn't sit there.
The kitchenette sits in small corner and looks like
someone had tried to take it with them when they left.
The only thing in the place that seems to pass for
the bed is a military cot that sits opposite the
chair.

"Well my friend," Mike says to Johnny, "Let's see
what we can find today." Johnny nods as Michael slips
the end of the cable into his jack. His sapphire blue
eyes glass over as he goes in. Johnny positions
himself by leaning against the wall directly across
from the door.

Chapter Two

Michael's view shifts drastically as he looks around
the Matrix. His persona is one of a nineteen forties
Jazz player. A dark brown longcoat covers his black
zoot suit which is accented by white pin-stripes. On
his head is a fedora to match his coat, and the
wing-tips on his feet match his suit. He carries a
saxophone that gleams in the virtual light of the
Matrix. He tips his hat as he leans against a lamp
post and looks around.

The silvery amorphous figures of the standard persona
programs are the first things he notices as he gazes
up and down the streets that represent the Denver
Metroplex. The icons of the various convenience
stores and shopping malls quickly mix with the nodes
for Lone Star and other security forces. The icons
for the megacorps dwarf everything in comparison.
Just as he is about to step away from the street lamp,
he receives a tap on his shoulder.

He turns and greets the sec guard as he hands over an
ID. The guard smiles and gives a short salute to
Jazzman as he turns to leave. Jazz waits until the
guard rounds the corner before he makes another move.

Jandering down the main drag of the plex searching
for a node that he needs, he comes to a stop in front
of the steps to the Aztechnology node. The shadow of
the pyramid engulfs him as he makes his way up the
steps. Two barrier programs in the form of full grown
jaguars are taking turns pacing back and forth in
front of the double doors. Jazzman sits down halfway
up the stairs and begins to play a lullaby. The code
that floats toward the IC is in the form of musical
notes. As the code is greeted by the huge cats, they
fall asleep. He then makes his way to the front doors
and tests them. Noticing that they are not trapped,
he lets himself in.

He quickly scans the area inside the node. An
endless maze of corridors and offices faces him as he
slips into an office directly to his left. He makes a
few adjustments to his persona. His fedora melts into
a hood as it joins with his longcoat to form a black
cloak. His suit turns dark gray and his shoes switch
to gray soft sole boots. The colors of his clothing
seem to blend in with the colors that surround him.

Peering through a crack in the door, Jazzman begins
to make another melody emanate from his sax. The
notes float down each hall carefully searching for the
file that he was hired to retrieve.

He notices that one has stopped in front of a set of
mahogany doors. He puts the note in his pocket as he
ducks into an office behind him just before an Aztec
warrior makes his way down the hall. He hears the
guard grunt as he tries the doors to make sure they
are locked. Frag it, Jazz thinks to himself, Well, I
knew this was going to be a tough one. Let me wait
this out a bit and see if he goes away.

The warrior abruptly turns around and heads to the
door across from where he is standing. He opens the
door and looks around inside the room. As he steps
in, Jazzman hits the IC over the head with his sax and
pulls his cloak over the program to suppress it. A
new cloak takes the place of the one he removed as he
makes his way to the double doors.

He pulls a thin piece of metal out of his pocket and
commences to unlock the door. With a soft click, the
doors open. Pulling the note out of his pocket so
that it can continue its search, Jazzman locks the
door behind him. No sense in leaving it unlocked.
That would attract attention. Now, let's see what's
in here. He looks around and finds himself in a large
room facing rows of filing cabinets.

The note, he witnesses, stops in front of one of
the bigger ones and changes color to a crimson hue. I
love these ident programs. Let's see what surprises
are in store for little ole me.
He smiles as he approaches the files and plucks his
note out of the air. As he stretches the note, a code
runs across it warning him of the counter measures
that lace the cabinet. Hmmm, Scramble with trace and
dump, very nice.

A hammer and chisel appear when he tosses his sax in
the air. The sax disappears and a block of marble
materializes in front of him. He begins to form a
likeness of himself and throws in a few tricks for
good measure. Realizing that his "diversion" will
need running room, Jazzman unlocks the door and then
hides himself behind a file cabinet directly across
from the one he needs to look through.

The program activates and heads towards the file
while it pulls a lock pick kit out of one of its
pockets. Once it chooses which tools to use, it
rapidly begins to work on the scramble program. The
trace and dump jumps out of the file cabinet the
moment the other IC has been defeated and chases
Jazzman's program out the door and down the hall.

Okay, I don't have much time left. He thinks this to
himself as he finds the file and begins to download it
into his headware memory. Once that is completed, he
turns to leave, and finds himself face to face with
two black ice and one of the deckers of the system
node. The two ice are in the form of Aztec warriors
while the decker himself is clad in the gear of a
tribal elder.

He whistles and two sprite bodyguards appear beside
him. One takes on the appearance of a nightclub
bouncer and the other resembles a street samurai. The
headache begins. He sends his sprites to engage the
ice while he deals with the decker. His sax splits
into two tommy guns when he spins it. Ripping through
the silence of the node, the bullets strike across the
knees of the decker bringing him falling to the floor.

Meanwhile, the bouncer disarms his ice and begins
to wrestle with it while the street sam is locked in a
sword fight. Taking the warrior by the right arm, the
bouncer swings the counter measure into one of the
large cabinets directly behind them. The warrior
leaves a dent in the doors as it slides down to
regroup. The street sam turns to parry the thrust his
ice strikes with, but instead, receives a gash from
his right shoulder to his waist. The sprite falls to
the floor and flickers for a second or two as it
attempts to heal itself.

As Jazzman closes in, the decker lashes out and cuts
him in right leg with a dagger and drags him down.
Jazz winces and takes the opportunity to reform his
tommy guns into a revolver. He puts the Colt 45 to
the head of the decker. As he pulls the trigger, the
decker's persona disappears and the bullet goes flying
into empty space.

He looks over as the bouncer cuts loose on the
warrior that it is engaged with by breaking its back
and then its neck. It then makes its way behind the
other warrior and does a foot sweep to knock him to
his feet. The sam lumbers onto its feet and heads
toward the warrior. Jumping back to a standing
position, the IC leaps away from the two sprites and
directly towards Jazzman.
It finishes its leap and plants its foot squarely
into Jazz's chest. He flies backwards and lands in
between to cabinets. Geez, this thing doesn't know
when's enough. He opens fire on the counter measure
and the bullets strike across mid-torso. As Jazzman
stands, he is knocked back into the wall as the
warrior hits him in the chest again. Jazz's two
sprites jump on the warrior and finish it off when the
street sam slashes off the head.

Jazzman calls his sprites to him and they all make
their way back out of the node. He checks to see if
he is followed, and upon realizing that no attempt has
been made, he jacks out.

Back in the run down apartment, Johnny catches his
friend as Michael falls off the crate. "Harder then
you thought it would be I take it, chummer." He says
as he helps Michael up and out the door.
"The Azzies are known for having a tough nut to crack.
I'm going to have this headache for days, my friend.
Let's buzz turbo."

Chapter 3

July 21, 2061

In the main pyramid, in the heart of Aztland, a
gentleman of considerable power sits behind a desk of
oak and listens to the latest security breech over the
telecom.
"We don't know who he was, sir. The counter measures
activated to follow his trail either came up empty or
badly disrupted."
"That is unacceptable! Someone must know who and
where he lives."
"Sorry, sir. We keep finding dead ends."
"No one is untraceable! Do what you have to, but
find him! He has stolen something too valuable to
dismiss!" He slams the phone down and turns his chair
to get a better view out of his window. He stands for
a moment and heads to the door to get something to eat
when the com beeps again.
"Yes."
"Sir, one of the matrix security personnel that
worked last night is on the line."
"Put him on then."
There was a series of clicks and, "Hello, sir. This is
Chad Espinosa."
"Son, as I understand it, you were working security
that night, correct?"
"Yes, sir." The nervousness was seeping through the
com wire.
"Can you tell me anything about this who this person
was that you came across?"
"I don't know for certain who was, but I can tell you
that he was like no other decker that I has come
across before."
"Oh?" The man leaned closer to the telecom. "Tell
me more. Come to my office in two hours."
"Yes, sir."

Chapter 4

At a diner in one of the least desirable places in
the Sioux Sector, Michael sits at a booth and
patiently waits for his employer to show. Johnny
watches from another booth as he begins to eat a
rather hardy breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs,
sausage, and hashbrowns. A pitcher of soy caf is
placed on his table. Michael scans everyone that
comes in the door. Having seen no sign of the
Johnson, he orders breakfast and waits its arrival.
Just as the bowl of cheese grits is placed on the
table before him, he receives a tap on the shoulder.
He motions for his employer to sit, and the parlay
begins.

"Were you able to get the package?"
"Yes, but I will have to up the fee by a small
percentage."
"I see. This means you more trouble than you
expected?"
"Let's just say that I needed to exact some repairs
that may need a little extra compensation."
"You got it. I will need to see the package first.
Can you meet me at a more secure location in two hours
so that I may look it over?"
"Yeah. Where and when?" The Johnson slides a small
piece of paper in Michael's direction and leaves the
diner. Shortly after, Johnny joins him at his table.
Michael staggers a little as he stands to leave.
"Mike, you okay?"
"I think we need to take a trip to see Boneweaver.
That ice hit me harder than I thuught."
"Boneweaver's it is chummer. Let's buzz."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Here you go. I hope it's better.

Anissa


















































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Message no. 2
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 16:10:52 EDT
In a message dated 10/24/00 10:39:32 AM, anissamr@*****.com writes:

<<
Here you go. I hope it's better.
>>

Much better. :) My only comments are: the one or two sentences where
Michael is thinking, should be in quotes to separate them out from the
narrative. ie:

It finishes its leap and plants its foot squarely
into Jazz's chest. He flies backwards and lands in
between to cabinets. "Geez, this thing doesn't know
when's enough." He opens fire on the counter measure
and the bullets strike across mid-torso.

My other comment is that you have whole paragraphs full of "He..." with
no identifiers. Try to break it up with names and such. ie:

(Original Paragraph)
He whistles and two sprite bodyguards appear beside
him. One takes on the appearance of a nightclub
bouncer and the other resembles a street samurai. The
headache begins. He sends his sprites to engage the
ice while he deals with the decker. His sax splits
into two tommy guns when he spins it. Ripping through
the silence of the node, the bullets strike across the
knees of the decker bringing him falling to the floor.

(Recommended]
Jazzman whistled and two sprite bodyguards appear beside
him. One takes on the appearance of a nightclub
bouncer and the other resembles a street samurai. The
headache begins. He sends his sprites to engage the
ice while he deals with the decker. Jazzman's sax splits
into two tommy guns when he spins it. Ripping through
the silence of the node, the bullets strike across the
knees of the decker bringing him falling to the floor.

that's my ¥0.02
Tay-Dor
Message no. 3
From: Max 'Wild Cat' Noel maxnoel_fr@*****.fr
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 23:35:23 +0200
Well, well, I have to say it's nice, good even ! But there are still 2 or 3
little things that could be improved.

First, the problem of the 'he does this, then he does that, then...'
hasn't completely disappeared, especially in the matricial combat part. But
with /very/ little work that should be solved easily.
You tell your character's thoughts. That's a good idea (and an excellent
way to describe his personality), but may I suggest you put them in italic
? It'd make the reading way easier...
It is 'Aztlan', not 'Aztland' (but I think someone already pointed that out).
Oh, and, the one think I preferred in the former version was that you used
past tense. Things written in present look kinda weird to me. But
sometimes... Well, anyway if you used past you'd certainly get another post
in which someone would say he prefers present, so... It's your story, you
tell it the way you want ;p

Anyway, keep up the good work, I'm sure you can achieve a very good story,
and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters... And if you make it
a long one too, I won't complain about it. Don't feel like being in a
hurry, okay ?

Wild Cat
--------------------
It seems you've reached the end of my message. Yeah, really, no kidding.
No, don't try to scroll down, you can't, it's the end. Yup. Life is sad
sometimes.
Well, if you have something to say about that fact, I suggest you complain
to God.
He knows what you did last summer anyway.
--------------------
And now, it's even the end of the .sig. Seriously.


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Message no. 4
From: Ratinac, Rand (NSW) RRatinac@*****.redcross.org.au
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 15:34:32 +1000
> My other comment is that you have whole paragraphs full of "He..."
with no identifiers. Try to break it up with names and such. ie:
>
> (Original Paragraph)
> He whistles and two sprite bodyguards appear beside him. One takes on
the appearance of a nightclub bouncer and the other resembles a street
samurai. The headache begins. He sends his sprites to engage the ice while
he deals with the decker. His sax splits into two tommy guns when he spins
it. Ripping through the silence of the node, the bullets strike across the
knees of the decker bringing him falling to the floor.
>
> (Recommended]
> Jazzman whistled and two sprite bodyguards appear beside him. One
takes on the appearance of a nightclub bouncer and the other resembles a
street samurai. The headache begins. He sends his sprites to engage the
ice while he deals with the decker. Jazzman's sax splits into two tommy
guns when he spins it. Ripping through the silence of the node, the bullets
strike across the knees of the decker bringing him falling to the floor.
> Tay-Dor

Good point.

A good rule of thumb is to mention the names of anyone involved in
paragraphs AT LEAST once. That doesn't always apply, depending on the
length. But that 'at least once' is a good way to go, both to break up
monotony and to make it less confusing for the reader.

Btw, let's have a look at your first two paragraphs:

> A young man in his early twenties sits down on a rickety crate in a
run down part of the CAS Sector in Denver. He looks to be a shade taller
than six feet and underweight for his height. He tests the crate to see if
it will hold him before he makes himself comfortable. He then moves over a
lock of his dark blonde hair so that he can insert the data cable into his
jack.

All in present tense (*shudder*) but apart from that, fine.

> Pacing the hotel room across from the man is an Amerindian male that
seems to loom over Michael. Ragingbear is six-foot-six and close to four
hundred pounds of muscle. His chocolate brown eyes scan the hotel room.

Right, okay...so who the hell is Michael? :)

Obviously, Michael is the young man described in the first paragraph.
However, you haven't made the link - you haven't said that explicitly.
That's a mistake. At some point, before you actual start calling Michael
Michael, you need to link this "young man" and Michael as the same person.

Doc'
Message no. 5
From: Anissa Mathias anissamr@*****.com
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 11:14:03 -0700 (PDT)
Doc' writes
> All in present tense (*shudder*) but apart from
> that, fine.

<snip>

You didn't seem too pleased with the first two
paragraphs being in present tense. Can I redo them in
past tense? If, yes, won't that throw people off
since the action in the matrix is in present tense?
When is it okay to use present tense? I've never
taken a creative writing class (obviously). I just
got the idea for this book from reading "The Dragon
Heart Saga", "Wolf and Raven', and things like that.

Help me! I'm lost in story world! :-)
I'm inspired to write with no idea how! ;-)
Anissa

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Message no. 6
From: Anissa Mathias anissamr@*****.com
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 11:24:06 -0700 (PDT)
--- Max 'Wild Cat' Noel <maxnoel_fr@*****.fr> wrote:

> First, the problem of the 'he does this, then he
>does that, then...'
>hasn't completely disappeared, especially in the
>matricial combat part.
>But
>with /very/ little work that should be solved easily.
<snip>

Help me here. I know I cleaned it up some, but I ran
out of sentence ideas.

> You tell your character's thoughts. That's a
> good idea (and an excellent
> way to describe his personality), but may I suggest
> you put them in italic?
<snip>


They were in italic when I typed them in Wordperfect.
I guess Yahoo doesn't have type of font. I should
have checked it better before I sent it. Sorry.

Anissa :-)

Being lost in story land can be rather confusing.


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Message no. 7
From: Rat winterhawk@*********.net
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 14:10:44 -0700
From: Anissa Mathias <anissamr@*****.com>
>
> Chapter One
>

Hi Anissa,

I'll build on some of the the things others have
said and probably repeat a few things. It's looking
good, although I still see a few things that could
be worked on.

As for present vs. past tense--almost all fiction is
written in past tense. Even though the action is
supposedly happening in the here-and-now, past tense is
still (usually) the way to go. Most readers (including
me and apparently several others on the list) find
past to be jarring. Take a look at the published
fiction out there--not just SR--and see how many
books are written in past vs. present.


> July 20, 2061
>
> A young man in his early twenties sits down on a
> rickety crate in a run down part of the CAS Sector in
> Denver. He looks to be a shade taller than six feet
> and underweight for his height. He tests the crate to
> see if it will hold him before he makes himself
> comfortable. He then moves over a lock of his dark
> blonde hair so that he can insert the data cable into
> his jack.
>

Hmm...I think you still haven't quite banished the
"he does this. He does that." demon, although you're
getting closer. How about something more like this:

Michael sat down on the rickety crate in the rundown
part of Denver's CAS sector. Testing the crate to
see if it will hold him before making himself comfortable,
he moved aside a lock of dark blond hair and inserted
the data cable into his jack.

I'd save the rest of the description for a little later
on, and maybe punch up the description a bit (for example,
where is Michael? You've got a crate and the CAS
sector, but is he in a room? What kind of room?), but
that's the gist of what I mean. Vary the sentence
structure to keep the reader engaged.



> Pacing the hotel room across from the man is an
> Amerindian male that seems to loom over Michael.
> Ragingbear is six-foot-six and close to four hundred
> pounds of muscle. His chocolate brown eyes scan the
> hotel room.
>

One more thing. Nice description here, but get rid of
all the "seems." This is a bugaboo of mine (I do it
a lot) so I'm hypersensitive to it. Commit! Does
he loom or not? :)


> The place has but one light that hangs from the
> center of the room as it sways and casts an eerie
> light on the rest of the room.

Nice image but you've got "the room" twice in here.


> There is a blue cloth
> chair that sits next to a boarded up window across
> from the front door. The fact that half of the chair
> is missing tells Johnny why Mike didn't sit there.
> The kitchenette sits in small corner and looks like
> someone had tried to take it with them when they left.
> The only thing in the place that seems to pass for
> the bed is a military cot that sits opposite the
> chair.
>

This is nice--especially the part about it looking
like somebody trying to take it with them when they
left.


> "Well my friend," Mike says to Johnny, "Let's see
> what we can find today." Johnny nods as Michael slips
> the end of the cable into his jack. His sapphire blue
> eyes glass over as he goes in. Johnny positions
> himself by leaning against the wall directly across
> from the door.
>

I'm a little confused about why you ended the chapter
here. Nothing's really happened yet. I suggest maybe
adding a little more tension to this chapter before
you end it. As it is now, the only thing that's hooking
me in here is curiosity about what Michael might find
in the Matrix--but since I have no clue what that might
be, it's not as compelling. Is it dangerous? Danger is
a good hook.


> Chapter Two
>
> Michael's view shifts drastically as he looks around
> the Matrix. His persona is one of a nineteen forties
> Jazz player. A dark brown longcoat covers his black
> zoot suit which is accented by white pin-stripes. On
> his head is a fedora to match his coat, and the
> wing-tips on his feet match his suit. He carries a
> saxophone that gleams in the virtual light of the
> Matrix. He tips his hat as he leans against a lamp
> post and looks around.
>

I like the image, but I think the description needs
a little help. We've got two problems here--one, you're
telling us, not showing, and two, you're giving us
a police description rather than a flowing one.
My suggestion would be to punch this up, something
like:

Michael's view shifted drastically as he looked
around. He glanced down at himself, checking out the
familiar dark brown longcoat, black pinstriped
zoot suit, and wingtips; he could feel his brown
fedora on his head, settled there just right as always.
Hefting his saxophone, he smiled in satisfaction as
it gleamed in the virtual light of the Matrix. He
tipped his hat, leaned against a lamp post, and
examined the area around him.

Not great, but again I think this illustrates what
I'm trying to say.


<snip>

The description of the run itself is nice--so *fast*,
though! This is exciting stuff, but it's rushing
by so quickly that the reader barely has time to
savor it. The Matrix is all about sensation. Make
the reader feel he/she is there with Jazzman, seeing
what he sees, feeling what he feels. Make us sweat
with him.

I like the whole fight scene. Fights are supposed
to be fast and furious, so the faster pace works
better here. I'd advise varying the sentence
structure again a little bit, but this works well.


I need to get back to work, but overall here's
my advice and comments:

- It's looking better. Keep up the good work, 'cause
you've got something cool here.
- Lengthen. More description, more sensory input,
more information about Michael. Why should we like/
feel sorry for/want to root for him? I still think
the Jazzman imagery is very cool, but as yet I know
little about Michael.
- Vary the sentence structure. Experiment. And switch
to past tense.


>
> Here you go. I hope it's better.
>

Looking good! I hope my comments are helpful to you.

--Rat

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Winterhawk's Virtual Magespace - Shadowrun Fiction and More!
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Message no. 8
From: Ratinac, Rand (NSW) RRatinac@*****.redcross.org.au
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 10:03:50 +1000
> Doc' writes
> > All in present tense (*shudder*) but apart from that, fine.
>
> <snip>
>
> You didn't seem too pleased with the first two paragraphs being in present
tense. Can I redo them in past tense? If, yes, won't that throw people off
since the action in the matrix is in present tense? When is it okay to use
present tense? I've never taken a creative writing class (obviously). I
just got the idea for this book from reading "The Dragon Heart Saga", "Wolf
and Raven', and things like that.
>
> Help me! I'm lost in story world! :-) I'm inspired to write with no idea
how! ;-)
> Anissa

*lol*

Don't mind me, Anissa. I have a SERIOUS hate on for present tense writing.
I've only ever seen it done well twice (once by Nigel Findley and once by
the good Boondocker).

If you like it writing it and you like the end result, then go for it. I'm
not the entire reading audience in the world (although apparently I'm a
large part of it ;) ).

Just make sure that, whatever tense you pick, you stick with it for the
entire story.

Doc'
Message no. 9
From: Ratinac, Rand (NSW) RRatinac@*****.redcross.org.au
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 10:09:56 +1000
Just to clarify.

> You didn't seem too pleased with the first two paragraphs being in present
tense. Can I redo them in past tense? If, yes, won't that throw people off
since the action in the matrix is in present tense?

Yes, that would be bad. Only write them in past tense if you change the
entire story to past tense. Like I said, stick with the same tense for the
entire story. The only time I'd even CONSIDER changing tense is if I was
dealing with a major perceptual shift. For instance, if the majority of the
story was third person, past tense, and every so often you did some first
person sections, or some large thought sequences inside one character's
head, THEN you might want to change to present tense as well. I'm doing the
former in my current major project (third person, past tense going to first
person occasionally), but even then I'm not shifting tense (but, as I've
already said, I STRONGLY despise present tense writing :) ).

Changing tenses is one of the most jarring things a writer can do. It can
break the reader completely out of the atmosphere you've been trying to
achieve and totally spoil their enjoyment of the story. DEFINITELY not a
good thing.

> When is it okay to use present tense?

Whenever you want, as long as you're consistent. :)

> I've never taken a creative writing class (obviously).

Don't let that stop you.

I've never taken a creative writing class in my life (although I probably
should). The closest I ever came was English classes at high school. All you
need is practise. Keep writing and you'll improve - fast.

Doc'
Message no. 10
From: Ratinac, Rand (NSW) RRatinac@*****.redcross.org.au
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 11:24:55 +1000
> I'll build on some of the the things others have said and probably repeat
a few things. It's looking good, although I still see a few things that
could be worked on.
>
> As for present vs. past tense--almost all fiction is written in past
tense. Even though the action is supposedly happening in the here-and-now,
past tense is still (usually) the way to go. Most readers (including me and
apparently several others on the list) find past to be jarring. Take a look
at the published fiction out there--not just SR--and see how many books are
written in past vs. present.

Errr...'Rat actually meant she finds PRESENT tense jarring, not PAST tense.
Right, 'Rat? :)

> Hmm...I think you still haven't quite banished the "he does this. He does
that." demon, although you're getting closer. How about something more like
this:
>
> Michael sat down on the rickety crate in the rundown part of Denver's CAS
sector. Testing the crate to see if it will hold him before making himself
comfortable, he moved aside a lock of dark blond hair and inserted the data
cable into his jack.

Bingo!

Look at what 'Rat's doing here, Anissa. She's changing the format of the
sentences, so that sometimes the action comes first and sometimes the "doer"
is first. That's one of the best ways to do this.

> One more thing. Nice description here, but get rid of all the "seems."
This is a bugaboo of mine (I do it a lot) so I'm hypersensitive to it.
Commit! Does he loom or not? :)

*lol*

'Rat's got a point. I've notice that I seem (heh :) ) to do this a bit too
much myself, so whenever I find myself writing "seem", or "seemed", I
stop
for a minute and think if there's a better way to say it. There isn't
always, but sometimes there is.

> > The place has but one light that hangs from the center of the
room as it sways and casts an eerie light on the rest of the room.
>
> Nice image but you've got "the room" twice in here.

Another good tip. It's bad enough using the same phrase (or a single,
uncommon word) twice or more within a few paragraphs. In the same sentence?
Definitely a no-no.

Obviously, you can't always avoid it, but if you can, the less you reuse
phrases and uncommon words, the more flowing your writing tends to be.

> I'm a little confused about why you ended the chapter here. Nothing's
really happened yet. I suggest maybe adding a little more tension to this
chapter before you end it. As it is now, the only thing that's hooking me in
here is curiosity about what Michael might find in the Matrix--but since I
have no clue what that might be, it's not as compelling. Is it dangerous?
Danger is a good hook.

Again, a good point. There are two good points at which to end a chapter. 1.
At a point of completion (all the action in a scene has finished). 2. At a
climax (just before a fight starts, at a point of high danger or drama,
where a new factor enters the "fray").

> - Lengthen. More description, more sensory input, more information about
Michael. Why should we like/feel sorry for/want to root for him? I still
think the Jazzman imagery is very cool, but as yet I know little about
Michael.

Or put in dialogue. :) Where you have a single character, you want thoughts
and description. Where you have two or more characters, use thoughts,
description, or dialogue.

> - Vary the sentence structure. Experiment. And switch to past tense.

*lol*

Yes, that would be my recommendation, too, but you don't HAVE to. Like 'Rat
said, though, the vast majority of fiction (I would guess 90% or more) is
written in past tense. People are used to that, so people tend to favour it.

Doc'
Message no. 11
From: Anissa Mathias anissamr@*****.com
Subject: Opinions Please (Chapter 1 revised)
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 05:15:26 -0700 (PDT)
Thank you all for your input and ideas. I will take
them to heart and see what I can come up with for my
next revision.

Switching from poetry to novel writing is harder than
I thought it would be, but that won't stop me from
trying. I'm stubborn that way.


Anissa

Still lost in story land. I'm beginning to like it
here. Now, all I need is a map. :-)

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