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Message no. 1
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 05:46:40 EDT
okay...here's the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic said, I'll
be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not to get to
defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.


"Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It's only a working title)
by: Tay-Dor

December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
I thought I'd open this wizzer package since it doesn't look like
I'll be getting home in time for Christmas. I bought this Pocket Secretary
for my sister. It comes complete with a telecom, day-timer, diary, and even
a detachable text reader. I know my Sis will love that last item since she
doesn't know how to read either.
I am starting to wonder if I'll get home at all. That's probably why
I'm starting this diary. Who knows, maybe someone will find it. Maybe
somebody will at least know I was alive.
It's cold. There's no heat in this place I've found to hide. I
managed to scrounge enough blankets to conserve a little warmth. I figure
none of the critters out there would be interested in this electronics shop.
I just hope none of them Spider-things come in here looking for spare parts.
Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in order. My
name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline". It comes from
two different sources. I have a thing for pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
screen trid...or what they called Television. I guess the other source is I
flatlined when I was getting my spurs implanted. Not really, but the
ripperdoc's heart monitor had a glitch and drekked out for a moment or two.
Of course Flatline has some other connotations with doesn't hurt my street
rep, you know. I run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before
you bother asking, it's the city directly between the downtown border and
Lynnwood -- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-head
left it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about. We're a
troll gang. Now you are looking back at this diary and wondering how a Troll
came up with big words like "connotations" and "conserve". Troll
doesn't
mean stupid. I may not know how to read, but if you watch the right shows on
the trid, you learn a thing or two. Now if you still got a problem with
that, then go frag yourself.
Well since I have some time to kill, I guess I'll tell you how I got
myself into this God forsaken hellhole of a mess. It all started about five
days ago.

My sister had been bugging the drek out of me about something she'd
seen on the trid. it was an advertisement for one of Renraku's new Pocket
Secretaries. She had been whining about having some way to keep a diary. So
on that fateful day, I grabbed the credstick that I'd been saving money on,
left my gun and my colors at home, and splurged on a taxi. It was nice to be
riding downtown in style instead on a smelly stinky bus. You never know who
died or puked on the seat you just took.
The Arcology was so wizzer, man! Mere words cannot describe it.
Those trid shots just cannot convey the appropriate sense of scale. I
jandered up to one of the main doors. That's important. You have to look
like you know what you are doing, that you belong. Forget the fact that I'm
a troll in a long armored duster. With the right bearing, you can pull most
things off. Guess I did it right. I slotted the stick with my SIN on it and
was passed on through. I can hear it now. A troll ganger with a SIN? Well,
I'll let you in on a secret. It's a fake. Cost me a bundle and it took a
long time to save for, but now I can at least access some of the things that
the SINners can.
I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescencents. I jandered down the
main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At the other
end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that went up three
stories at least.

That's it so far...
Message no. 2
From: Demonnic Bloodbather demonnic@*********.net
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 1999 22:13:03 +1200
CEvans9159@***.com wrote:

> okay...here's the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic said, I'll
> be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not to get to
> defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.
>
> "Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It's only a working title)
> by: Tay-Dor
>
> December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
> I thought I'd open this wizzer package since it doesn't look like
> I'll be getting home in time for Christmas. I bought this Pocket Secretary
> for my sister. It comes complete with a telecom, day-timer, diary, and even
> a detachable text reader. I know my Sis will love that last item since she
> doesn't know how to read either.
> I am starting to wonder if I'll get home at all. That's probably why
> I'm starting this diary. Who knows, maybe someone will find it. Maybe
> somebody will at least know I was alive.
> It's cold. There's no heat in this place I've found to hide. I
> managed to scrounge enough blankets to conserve a little warmth. I figure
> none of the critters out there would be interested in this electronics shop.
> I just hope none of them Spider-things come in here looking for spare parts.
> Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in order. My
> name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline". It comes from
> two different sources. I have a thing for pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
> screen trid...or what they called Television. I guess the other source is I
> flatlined when I was getting my spurs implanted. Not really, but the
> ripperdoc's heart monitor had a glitch and drekked out for a moment or two.
> Of course Flatline has some other connotations with doesn't hurt my street
> rep, you know. I run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before
> you bother asking, it's the city directly between the downtown border and
> Lynnwood -- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-head
> left it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about. We're a
> troll gang. Now you are looking back at this diary and wondering how a Troll
> came up with big words like "connotations" and "conserve". Troll
doesn't
> mean stupid. I may not know how to read, but if you watch the right shows on
> the trid, you learn a thing or two. Now if you still got a problem with
> that, then go frag yourself.
> Well since I have some time to kill, I guess I'll tell you how I got
> myself into this God forsaken hellhole of a mess. It all started about five
> days ago.
>
> My sister had been bugging the drek out of me about something she'd
> seen on the trid. it was an advertisement for one of Renraku's new Pocket
> Secretaries. She had been whining about having some way to keep a diary. So
> on that fateful day, I grabbed the credstick that I'd been saving money on,
> left my gun and my colors at home, and splurged on a taxi. It was nice to be
> riding downtown in style instead on a smelly stinky bus. You never know who
> died or puked on the seat you just took.
> The Arcology was so wizzer, man! Mere words cannot describe it.
> Those trid shots just cannot convey the appropriate sense of scale. I
> jandered up to one of the main doors. That's important. You have to look
> like you know what you are doing, that you belong. Forget the fact that I'm
> a troll in a long armored duster. With the right bearing, you can pull most
> things off. Guess I did it right. I slotted the stick with my SIN on it and
> was passed on through. I can hear it now. A troll ganger with a SIN? Well,
> I'll let you in on a secret. It's a fake. Cost me a bundle and it took a
> long time to save for, but now I can at least access some of the things that
> the SINners can.
> I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
> Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescencents. I jandered down the
> main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At the other
> end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that went up three
> stories at least.
>
> That's it so far...

I like it. Especially the bit about how troll doesn't equal stupid. Heh... well,
anyways, I think it's a good start, but I aint gonnas try editing it cuz I simply
don't do the editing thing too well. Keep it up :)


--
Demonnic
'Non Illegitimi Carborundum Est'
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Message no. 3
From: Scott Wheelock iscottw@*****.nb.ca
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 1999 11:32:40 -0300
"And now, a Channel 6 editorial reply to CEvans9159@***.com."
] okay...here's the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic
said, I'll
] be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not to get to
] defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.

I really like it! Two things though, and I hope you'll take them as
constructive criticism.

] Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in order. My
] name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline". It comes from
] two different sources. I have a thing for pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
] screen trid...or what they called Television.

This is a nifty gimmick, but I've seen it in fifty-percent of the
fan-fiction stories I've read...I dunno, but I just think of it as
really corny by this point.

] I run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before
] you bother asking, it's the city directly between the downtown border and
] Lynnwood -- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-
] head left it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about.

The reference to the sourcebook I wouldn't keep...just because it
rings kinda corny to me as well, like an inside joke that only some
people get (i.e. the reader, not everyoen else in the fictional world).
That could be just me though.

Anyway, other than those insignificant things, I liked
this...hopefully you'll finish the rest soon, 'cause now I'm interested
:)

-Murder of One
Message no. 4
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 15:06:23 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 7:39:02 AM, iscottw@*****.nb.ca writes:

> The reference to the sourcebook I wouldn't keep...just because it
>rings kinda corny to me as well, like an inside joke that only some
>people get (i.e. the reader, not everyoen else in the fictional world).
> That could be just me though.
>
> Anyway, other than those insignificant things, I liked
>this...hopefully you'll finish the rest soon, 'cause now I'm interested
>:)

Thanks for the comments. Yah, the Seattle source book is a little pet peeve
of mine. The neighborhood that I grew up in was left out of the Seattle
Sourcebook....even now that it's an actual honest to goodness city. So I had
to say something about it. :)

Tay-Dor
Message no. 5
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 20:37:32 -0700 (PDT)
> I like it. Especially the bit about how troll doesn't equal stupid.
Heh... well, anyways, I think it's a good start, but I aint gonnas try
editing it cuz I simply don't do the editing thing too well. Keep it up
:)
> Demonnic

I haven't read it yet, so I can't comment. Just one thing I wanted to
mention. Right now we have six people who've volunteered for editing
duties. If you're not one of them, don't worry about editing - just
read what you see and comment.

Of course, if you see something BLATANTLY wrong, speak up. :)
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
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Message no. 6
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:05:53 -0700 (PDT)
okay...here’s the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic
said, I’ll be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not
to get to defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.


"Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It’s only a working title)
by: Tay-Dor

December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
I thought I’d open this wizzer package since it doesn’t look
like I’ll be getting home in time for Christmas. I bought this Pocket
Secretary for my sister. It comes complete with a telecom, day-timer,
diary, and even a detachable text reader. I know my Sis will love that
last item since she doesn’t know how to read either.
I am starting to wonder if I’ll get home at all. That’s
probably why I’m starting this diary. Who knows, maybe someone will
find it. Maybe somebody will at least know I was alive.
It’s cold. There’s no heat in this place I’ve found to hide.
I managed to scrounge enough blankets to conserve a little warmth. I
figure none of the critters out there would be interested in this
electronics shop. I just hope none of them Spider-things come in here
looking for spare parts.
Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in
order. My name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline".
It comes from two different sources. I have a thing for
pre-turn-of-the-century Flat screen trid...or what they called
Television. I guess the other source is I flatlined when I was getting
my spurs implanted. Not really, but the ripperdoc’s heart monitor had
a glitch and drekked out for a moment or two. Of course Flatline has
some other connotations with doesn’t hurt my street rep, you know. I
run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before you bother
asking, it’s the city directly between the downtown border and Lynnwood
-- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-head left
it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about.

(Scott’s right. This dig isn’t really a good idea. "In-jokes" should be
kept out of your stories as much as possible.)

We’re a troll gang. Now you are looking back at this diary and
wondering how a Troll came up with big words like "connotations" and
"conserve". Troll doesn’t mean stupid. I may not know how to read,
but if you watch the right shows on the trid, you learn a thing or two.
Now if you still got a problem with that, then go frag yourself.
Well, since I have some time to kill, I guess I’ll tell you how
I got myself into this God forsaken hellhole of a mess. It all started
about five days ago.

My sister had been bugging the drek out of me about something
she’d seen on the trid. It was an advertisement for one of Renraku’s
new Pocket Secretaries. She had been whining about having some way to
keep a diary. So on that fateful day,

(It would be good if we could REALLY do this like a Pocket Secretary -
at this point you’d cue the doom-laden pipe-organ music. J)

I grabbed the credstick that I’d been saving money on, left my gun and
my colors at home, and splurged on a taxi. It was nice to be riding
downtown in style instead on a smelly stinky bus. You never know who
died or puked on the seat you just took.
The Arcology was so wizzer, man! Mere words cannot describe
it. Those trid shots just cannot convey the appropriate sense of
scale. I jandered up to one of the main doors. That’s important. You
have to look like you know what you are doing, that you belong. Forget
the fact that I’m a troll in a long armored duster. With the right
bearing, you can pull most things off. Guess I did it right. I
slotted the stick with my SIN on it and was passed on through. I can
hear it now. A troll ganger with a SIN? Well, I’ll let you in on a
secret. It’s a fake. Cost me a bundle and it took a long time to save
for, but now I can at least access some of the things that the SINners
can.
I don’t think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescents. I jandered down
the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At
the other end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that
went up three storeys at least.

That’s it so far...

Hey, not a lot to say. Looking good, Tay-Dor. :)
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
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Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
Message no. 7
From: Aaron Binns sparrow@***.net.au
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 08 Jul 1999 14:09:04 +1000
> okay...here’s the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic
> said, I’ll be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not
> to get to defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.
>
> "Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It’s only a working title)
> by: Tay-Dor
>
> December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
> I don’t think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
> Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescents. I jandered down
> the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At
> the other end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that
> went up three storeys at least.
>
> That’s it so far...
>
> Hey, not a lot to say. Looking good, Tay-Dor. :)
> ==> Doc'

I might suggest that you break it up somewhat and time/date-stamp each
smaller secr\tion - as its unlikely that he would have written it all on
one go.

Other than that I think its looking good so far :)

GreyWolf
Message no. 8
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:10:37 -0700 (PDT)
> I really like it! Two things though, and I hope you'll take them
as constructive criticism.
>
> ] Since you are reading this, I suppose
> introductions are in order. My
> ] name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me
> "Flatline". It comes from
> ] two different sources. I have a thing for
> pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
> ] screen trid...or what they called Television.
>
> This is a nifty gimmick, but I've seen it in fifty-percent of the
fan-fiction stories I've read...I dunno, but I just think of it as
really corny by this point.

Also a point. I'm not so sure it's likely that Frankie would plan for
having this read by someone else.

Then again, who knows?
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
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Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
Message no. 9
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:16:53 -0700 (PDT)
> > December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
> > I don’t think I had ever seen anything
> more shiny and clean.
> > Everything was lit up bright by large
> fluorescents. I jandered down
> > the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all
> of the stores. At
> > the other end, I could make out an indoor park
> with real trees that
> > went up three storeys at least.
> >
> > That’s it so far...
> >
> > Hey, not a lot to say. Looking good, Tay-Dor. :)
> > ==> > Doc'
>
> I might suggest that you break it up somewhat and time/date-stamp
each smaller secr\tion - as its unlikely that he would have written it
all on one go.
>
> Other than that I think its looking good so far :)
>
> GreyWolf

The thing you aren't aware of, GW, is that all that has been written so
far is backdated. This is all one diary entry. Then, once the flashback
in finished, there'll be another one. And so on...
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
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Message no. 10
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:38:06 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 9:03:58 PM, docwagon101@*****.com writes:

>(Scott’s right. This dig isn’t really a good idea. "In-jokes" should be
>
>kept out of your stories as much as possible.)

no problem. :) Out it goes.

Tay-Dor
Message no. 11
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:40:35 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 9:08:29 PM, sparrow@***.net.au writes:

>I might suggest that you break it up somewhat and time/date-stamp each
>smaller secr\tion - as its unlikely that he would have written it all on
>one go.
>
>Other than that I think its looking good so far :)
>
>GreyWolf

true...tho his first entry is going to cover his first five days in the arc.
But yes, I'll break some of it up a little more. Once he gets the flashback
up to dec 24th...the whole story would then be more broken up.
Message no. 12
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:41:36 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 9:08:48 PM, docwagon101@*****.com writes:

>Also a point I'm not so sure it's likely that Frankie would plan for
>
>having this read by someone else.
>
>
>
>Then again, who knows?

I'll have to think that over. good comment.
Message no. 13
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 05:46:40 EDT
okay...here's the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic said, I'll
be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not to get to
defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.


"Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It's only a working title)
by: Tay-Dor

December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
I thought I'd open this wizzer package since it doesn't look like
I'll be getting home in time for Christmas. I bought this Pocket Secretary
for my sister. It comes complete with a telecom, day-timer, diary, and even
a detachable text reader. I know my Sis will love that last item since she
doesn't know how to read either.
I am starting to wonder if I'll get home at all. That's probably why
I'm starting this diary. Who knows, maybe someone will find it. Maybe
somebody will at least know I was alive.
It's cold. There's no heat in this place I've found to hide. I
managed to scrounge enough blankets to conserve a little warmth. I figure
none of the critters out there would be interested in this electronics shop.
I just hope none of them Spider-things come in here looking for spare parts.
Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in order. My
name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline". It comes from
two different sources. I have a thing for pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
screen trid...or what they called Television. I guess the other source is I
flatlined when I was getting my spurs implanted. Not really, but the
ripperdoc's heart monitor had a glitch and drekked out for a moment or two.
Of course Flatline has some other connotations with doesn't hurt my street
rep, you know. I run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before
you bother asking, it's the city directly between the downtown border and
Lynnwood -- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-head
left it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about. We're a
troll gang. Now you are looking back at this diary and wondering how a Troll
came up with big words like "connotations" and "conserve". Troll
doesn't
mean stupid. I may not know how to read, but if you watch the right shows on
the trid, you learn a thing or two. Now if you still got a problem with
that, then go frag yourself.
Well since I have some time to kill, I guess I'll tell you how I got
myself into this God forsaken hellhole of a mess. It all started about five
days ago.

My sister had been bugging the drek out of me about something she'd
seen on the trid. it was an advertisement for one of Renraku's new Pocket
Secretaries. She had been whining about having some way to keep a diary. So
on that fateful day, I grabbed the credstick that I'd been saving money on,
left my gun and my colors at home, and splurged on a taxi. It was nice to be
riding downtown in style instead on a smelly stinky bus. You never know who
died or puked on the seat you just took.
The Arcology was so wizzer, man! Mere words cannot describe it.
Those trid shots just cannot convey the appropriate sense of scale. I
jandered up to one of the main doors. That's important. You have to look
like you know what you are doing, that you belong. Forget the fact that I'm
a troll in a long armored duster. With the right bearing, you can pull most
things off. Guess I did it right. I slotted the stick with my SIN on it and
was passed on through. I can hear it now. A troll ganger with a SIN? Well,
I'll let you in on a secret. It's a fake. Cost me a bundle and it took a
long time to save for, but now I can at least access some of the things that
the SINners can.
I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescencents. I jandered down the
main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At the other
end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that went up three
stories at least.

That's it so far...
Message no. 14
From: Demonnic Bloodbather demonnic@*********.net
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 1999 22:13:03 +1200
CEvans9159@***.com wrote:

> okay...here's the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic said, I'll
> be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not to get to
> defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.
>
> "Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It's only a working title)
> by: Tay-Dor
>
> December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
> I thought I'd open this wizzer package since it doesn't look like
> I'll be getting home in time for Christmas. I bought this Pocket Secretary
> for my sister. It comes complete with a telecom, day-timer, diary, and even
> a detachable text reader. I know my Sis will love that last item since she
> doesn't know how to read either.
> I am starting to wonder if I'll get home at all. That's probably why
> I'm starting this diary. Who knows, maybe someone will find it. Maybe
> somebody will at least know I was alive.
> It's cold. There's no heat in this place I've found to hide. I
> managed to scrounge enough blankets to conserve a little warmth. I figure
> none of the critters out there would be interested in this electronics shop.
> I just hope none of them Spider-things come in here looking for spare parts.
> Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in order. My
> name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline". It comes from
> two different sources. I have a thing for pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
> screen trid...or what they called Television. I guess the other source is I
> flatlined when I was getting my spurs implanted. Not really, but the
> ripperdoc's heart monitor had a glitch and drekked out for a moment or two.
> Of course Flatline has some other connotations with doesn't hurt my street
> rep, you know. I run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before
> you bother asking, it's the city directly between the downtown border and
> Lynnwood -- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-head
> left it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about. We're a
> troll gang. Now you are looking back at this diary and wondering how a Troll
> came up with big words like "connotations" and "conserve". Troll
doesn't
> mean stupid. I may not know how to read, but if you watch the right shows on
> the trid, you learn a thing or two. Now if you still got a problem with
> that, then go frag yourself.
> Well since I have some time to kill, I guess I'll tell you how I got
> myself into this God forsaken hellhole of a mess. It all started about five
> days ago.
>
> My sister had been bugging the drek out of me about something she'd
> seen on the trid. it was an advertisement for one of Renraku's new Pocket
> Secretaries. She had been whining about having some way to keep a diary. So
> on that fateful day, I grabbed the credstick that I'd been saving money on,
> left my gun and my colors at home, and splurged on a taxi. It was nice to be
> riding downtown in style instead on a smelly stinky bus. You never know who
> died or puked on the seat you just took.
> The Arcology was so wizzer, man! Mere words cannot describe it.
> Those trid shots just cannot convey the appropriate sense of scale. I
> jandered up to one of the main doors. That's important. You have to look
> like you know what you are doing, that you belong. Forget the fact that I'm
> a troll in a long armored duster. With the right bearing, you can pull most
> things off. Guess I did it right. I slotted the stick with my SIN on it and
> was passed on through. I can hear it now. A troll ganger with a SIN? Well,
> I'll let you in on a secret. It's a fake. Cost me a bundle and it took a
> long time to save for, but now I can at least access some of the things that
> the SINners can.
> I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
> Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescencents. I jandered down the
> main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At the other
> end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that went up three
> stories at least.
>
> That's it so far...

I like it. Especially the bit about how troll doesn't equal stupid. Heh... well,
anyways, I think it's a good start, but I aint gonnas try editing it cuz I simply
don't do the editing thing too well. Keep it up :)


--
Demonnic
'Non Illegitimi Carborundum Est'
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Message no. 15
From: Scott Wheelock iscottw@*****.nb.ca
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 1999 11:32:40 -0300
"And now, a Channel 6 editorial reply to CEvans9159@***.com."
] okay...here's the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic
said, I'll
] be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not to get to
] defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.

I really like it! Two things though, and I hope you'll take them as
constructive criticism.

] Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in order. My
] name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline". It comes from
] two different sources. I have a thing for pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
] screen trid...or what they called Television.

This is a nifty gimmick, but I've seen it in fifty-percent of the
fan-fiction stories I've read...I dunno, but I just think of it as
really corny by this point.

] I run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before
] you bother asking, it's the city directly between the downtown border and
] Lynnwood -- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-
] head left it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about.

The reference to the sourcebook I wouldn't keep...just because it
rings kinda corny to me as well, like an inside joke that only some
people get (i.e. the reader, not everyoen else in the fictional world).
That could be just me though.

Anyway, other than those insignificant things, I liked
this...hopefully you'll finish the rest soon, 'cause now I'm interested
:)

-Murder of One
Message no. 16
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 15:06:23 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 7:39:02 AM, iscottw@*****.nb.ca writes:

> The reference to the sourcebook I wouldn't keep...just because it
>rings kinda corny to me as well, like an inside joke that only some
>people get (i.e. the reader, not everyoen else in the fictional world).
> That could be just me though.
>
> Anyway, other than those insignificant things, I liked
>this...hopefully you'll finish the rest soon, 'cause now I'm interested
>:)

Thanks for the comments. Yah, the Seattle source book is a little pet peeve
of mine. The neighborhood that I grew up in was left out of the Seattle
Sourcebook....even now that it's an actual honest to goodness city. So I had
to say something about it. :)

Tay-Dor
Message no. 17
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 20:37:32 -0700 (PDT)
> I like it. Especially the bit about how troll doesn't equal stupid.
Heh... well, anyways, I think it's a good start, but I aint gonnas try
editing it cuz I simply don't do the editing thing too well. Keep it up
:)
> Demonnic

I haven't read it yet, so I can't comment. Just one thing I wanted to
mention. Right now we have six people who've volunteered for editing
duties. If you're not one of them, don't worry about editing - just
read what you see and comment.

Of course, if you see something BLATANTLY wrong, speak up. :)
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

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Message no. 18
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:05:53 -0700 (PDT)
okay...here’s the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic
said, I’ll be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not
to get to defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.


"Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It’s only a working title)
by: Tay-Dor

December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
I thought I’d open this wizzer package since it doesn’t look
like I’ll be getting home in time for Christmas. I bought this Pocket
Secretary for my sister. It comes complete with a telecom, day-timer,
diary, and even a detachable text reader. I know my Sis will love that
last item since she doesn’t know how to read either.
I am starting to wonder if I’ll get home at all. That’s
probably why I’m starting this diary. Who knows, maybe someone will
find it. Maybe somebody will at least know I was alive.
It’s cold. There’s no heat in this place I’ve found to hide.
I managed to scrounge enough blankets to conserve a little warmth. I
figure none of the critters out there would be interested in this
electronics shop. I just hope none of them Spider-things come in here
looking for spare parts.
Since you are reading this, I suppose introductions are in
order. My name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me "Flatline".
It comes from two different sources. I have a thing for
pre-turn-of-the-century Flat screen trid...or what they called
Television. I guess the other source is I flatlined when I was getting
my spurs implanted. Not really, but the ripperdoc’s heart monitor had
a glitch and drekked out for a moment or two. Of course Flatline has
some other connotations with doesn’t hurt my street rep, you know. I
run with the Blood Screamers gang up in Shoreline. Before you bother
asking, it’s the city directly between the downtown border and Lynnwood
-- you know, between 145th and 205th. Yah, I heard some drek-head left
it off the on-line source book I hear people talking about.

(Scott’s right. This dig isn’t really a good idea. "In-jokes" should be
kept out of your stories as much as possible.)

We’re a troll gang. Now you are looking back at this diary and
wondering how a Troll came up with big words like "connotations" and
"conserve". Troll doesn’t mean stupid. I may not know how to read,
but if you watch the right shows on the trid, you learn a thing or two.
Now if you still got a problem with that, then go frag yourself.
Well, since I have some time to kill, I guess I’ll tell you how
I got myself into this God forsaken hellhole of a mess. It all started
about five days ago.

My sister had been bugging the drek out of me about something
she’d seen on the trid. It was an advertisement for one of Renraku’s
new Pocket Secretaries. She had been whining about having some way to
keep a diary. So on that fateful day,

(It would be good if we could REALLY do this like a Pocket Secretary -
at this point you’d cue the doom-laden pipe-organ music. J)

I grabbed the credstick that I’d been saving money on, left my gun and
my colors at home, and splurged on a taxi. It was nice to be riding
downtown in style instead on a smelly stinky bus. You never know who
died or puked on the seat you just took.
The Arcology was so wizzer, man! Mere words cannot describe
it. Those trid shots just cannot convey the appropriate sense of
scale. I jandered up to one of the main doors. That’s important. You
have to look like you know what you are doing, that you belong. Forget
the fact that I’m a troll in a long armored duster. With the right
bearing, you can pull most things off. Guess I did it right. I
slotted the stick with my SIN on it and was passed on through. I can
hear it now. A troll ganger with a SIN? Well, I’ll let you in on a
secret. It’s a fake. Cost me a bundle and it took a long time to save
for, but now I can at least access some of the things that the SINners
can.
I don’t think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescents. I jandered down
the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At
the other end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that
went up three storeys at least.

That’s it so far...

Hey, not a lot to say. Looking good, Tay-Dor. :)
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

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Message no. 19
From: Aaron Binns sparrow@***.net.au
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 08 Jul 1999 14:09:04 +1000
> okay...here’s the beginning of my Troll ganger story. As demmonic
> said, I’ll be happy to accept comments and critiques and I promise not
> to get to defensive about stuff. :) And yes, I spell checked it.
>
> "Indiana Troll and The Labyrinth of Doom" (It’s only a working title)
> by: Tay-Dor
>
> December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
> I don’t think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
> Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescents. I jandered down
> the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all of the stores. At
> the other end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that
> went up three storeys at least.
>
> That’s it so far...
>
> Hey, not a lot to say. Looking good, Tay-Dor. :)
> ==> Doc'

I might suggest that you break it up somewhat and time/date-stamp each
smaller secr\tion - as its unlikely that he would have written it all on
one go.

Other than that I think its looking good so far :)

GreyWolf
Message no. 20
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:10:37 -0700 (PDT)
> I really like it! Two things though, and I hope you'll take them
as constructive criticism.
>
> ] Since you are reading this, I suppose
> introductions are in order. My
> ] name is Frankie Winston, but my chummers call me
> "Flatline". It comes from
> ] two different sources. I have a thing for
> pre-turn-of-the-century Flat
> ] screen trid...or what they called Television.
>
> This is a nifty gimmick, but I've seen it in fifty-percent of the
fan-fiction stories I've read...I dunno, but I just think of it as
really corny by this point.

Also a point. I'm not so sure it's likely that Frankie would plan for
having this read by someone else.

Then again, who knows?
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

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Message no. 21
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:16:53 -0700 (PDT)
> > December 24, 2059 (21:30:32 PST)
> > I don’t think I had ever seen anything
> more shiny and clean.
> > Everything was lit up bright by large
> fluorescents. I jandered down
> > the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all
> of the stores. At
> > the other end, I could make out an indoor park
> with real trees that
> > went up three storeys at least.
> >
> > That’s it so far...
> >
> > Hey, not a lot to say. Looking good, Tay-Dor. :)
> > ==> > Doc'
>
> I might suggest that you break it up somewhat and time/date-stamp
each smaller secr\tion - as its unlikely that he would have written it
all on one go.
>
> Other than that I think its looking good so far :)
>
> GreyWolf

The thing you aren't aware of, GW, is that all that has been written so
far is backdated. This is all one diary entry. Then, once the flashback
in finished, there'll be another one. And so on...
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

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Message no. 22
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:38:06 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 9:03:58 PM, docwagon101@*****.com writes:

>(Scott’s right. This dig isn’t really a good idea. "In-jokes" should be
>
>kept out of your stories as much as possible.)

no problem. :) Out it goes.

Tay-Dor
Message no. 23
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:40:35 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 9:08:29 PM, sparrow@***.net.au writes:

>I might suggest that you break it up somewhat and time/date-stamp each
>smaller secr\tion - as its unlikely that he would have written it all on
>one go.
>
>Other than that I think its looking good so far :)
>
>GreyWolf

true...tho his first entry is going to cover his first five days in the arc.
But yes, I'll break some of it up a little more. Once he gets the flashback
up to dec 24th...the whole story would then be more broken up.
Message no. 24
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] Beginnings of a story...
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:41:36 EDT
In a message dated 7/7/99 9:08:48 PM, docwagon101@*****.com writes:

>Also a point I'm not so sure it's likely that Frankie would plan for
>
>having this read by someone else.
>
>
>
>Then again, who knows?

I'll have to think that over. good comment.

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