Back to the main page

Mailing List Logs for ShadowRN

Message no. 1
From: Demonnic Bloodbather demonnic@*********.net
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 06 Jul 1999 16:26:52 +1200
Ok, I wrote the first few paragraphs of my initial story, and I've
changed the layout somewhat, the diary option is open... I've decided. I
can still do it the other way, but I sat down and wrote and this is what
came out. It's a VERY rough draft, and quite easily changed. Anyways, be
brutal, I often need it

<==== begin first part of story here ====>



Cynthia slotted the fiber optic lead into her skull like she had so
many times since she first became what she was at the hands of Deus'
machinations. But this time it was different, this time she was going to
run outside of the Matrix she'd come to call home, she was leaving the
arc on the data pathways, traveling to the outside world via satellite.
The AI had already hacked the connection and was holding it open for
her. Her hands were shaking, but she didn't know it, she was already
into that consensual illusory experience projected by the Matrix. She
was excited, but anxious and scared, like a child lost without her
mother. She shook her head and resolutely 'steps' forward into the
satellite’s icon, which wasn't dissimilar to what it might have looked
like in the meatworld, and her entire world seemed to slow down
slightly. She looked around, trying to find her leader, her creator, the
one who made her what she was and the one she looked up to like a
father, but he was nowhere to be found.... she was alone.
'Frag it to hell,' she thought 'why couldn't he have come with me the
first time.'
Cynthia sailed through the nodes and SANs more slowly than she might
normally, all of a sudden aware that it's not only Deus who could be
watching her. Her icon sighed, then found her target. It wasn't a big
target, nor one she thought would be heavily defended, which is what
Deus wanted her to think, of course. She slipped into the host like a
ghost in the night, but once she got inside the drek hit the fan. I
suppose I should have helped her out, but those weren't my instructions,
and one doesn't ignore instructions from Deus. I slipped into the host
behind her, and the first thing I noticed is that she's surrounded by
black IC, and she wasn't doing as well as she would at home. She's not
doing badly either, I noted.
She had her trusty nail gun construct out and was launching her
homegrown attacks left and right. But she was sluggish, nowhere near as
fast as she should have been, even considering the satellite lag. I
realized the rumors were right, the otaku Deus creates aren't as
powerful as those created outside his realm. My world took a
considerable blow right then, and as Cynthia went down, so did my
confidence in Deus. Oh, I wasn't totally shaken yet.
'Perhaps he has a reason for not making them as powerful,' I thought,
'maybe there's an explanation for all this, some reason I simply
wouldn't be able to understand.'

<===== end what I've gotten to so far in this revision ======>
So, tell me what you think, if it fits, if it doesn't, I'm open to major
revisions at this point. If it's totally fugazi and you need to throw me
off the team cuz my writing sucks, I can do that too (but I'd be sad and
pout alot :)) ) anyhow, input would be appreciated.
Message no. 2
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 04:04:37 EDT
Looks good...see below for my comments

In a message dated 7/5/99 9:27:45 PM, demonnic@*********.net writes:

<<
Cynthia slotted the fiber optic lead into her skull like she had so
many times since she first became what she was at the hands of Deus'
machinations. But this time it was different, this time she was going to
run outside of the Matrix she'd come to call home, she was leaving the
arc on the data pathways, traveling to the outside world via satellite.
The AI had already hacked the connection and was holding it open for
her. Her hands were shaking, but she didn't know it, she was already
into that consensual illusory experience projected by the Matrix. She
was excited, but anxious and scared, like a child lost without her
mother. She shook her head and resolutely 'steps' forward into the
satellite’s icon, which wasn't dissimilar to what it might have looked
like in the meatworld, and her entire world seemed to slow down
slightly. She looked around, trying to find her leader, her creator, the
one who made her what she was and the one she looked up to like a
father, but he was nowhere to be found.... she was alone.
'Frag it to hell,' she thought 'why couldn't he have come with me the
first time.'
Cynthia sailed through the nodes and SANs more slowly than she might
normally, all of a sudden aware that it's not only Deus who could be
watching her. Her icon sighed, then found her target. It wasn't a big

right here...the story starts from what seems to be cybthia's
perspective and at this point the perspective shifts a bit disorienting.

target, nor one she thought would be heavily defended, which is what
Deus wanted her to think, of course. She slipped into the host like a
ghost in the night, but once she got inside the drek hit the fan.

equally confusing at this point. reading on you realize its another
Otaku, but at the first "I" you think it's Cynthia.

I suppose I should have helped her out, but those weren't my instructions,
and one doesn't ignore instructions from Deus. I slipped into the host
behind her, and the first thing I noticed is that she's surrounded by
black IC, and she wasn't doing as well as she would at home. She's not
doing badly either, I noted.
She had her trusty nail gun construct out and was launching her
homegrown attacks left and right. But she was sluggish, nowhere near as
fast as she should have been, even considering the satellite lag. I
realized the rumors were right, the otaku Deus creates aren't as
powerful as those created outside his realm. My world took a
considerable blow right then, and as Cynthia went down, so did my
confidence in Deus. Oh, I wasn't totally shaken yet.
'Perhaps he has a reason for not making them as powerful,' I thought,
'maybe there's an explanation for all this, some reason I simply
wouldn't be able to understand.' >>

otherwise interesting. a story from an Otaku's viewpoint eh?

Tay-Dor
Message no. 3
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 01:06:47 -0700 (PDT)
> Ok, I wrote the first few paragraphs of my initial story, and I've
changed the layout somewhat, the diary option is open... I've decided.
I can still do it the other way, but I sat down and wrote and this is
what came out. It's a VERY rough draft, and quite easily changed.
Anyways, be brutal, I often need it

I'm going to go over it tonight (when I actually have some time to sit
down and think). I'll have suggestions/corrections/questions for you
tomorrow.

Any of the other editors are welcome to try their hands. Anyone else
with any comments or ideas should also speak up.
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
Message no. 4
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 18:55:04 -0700 (PDT)
Ok, I wrote the first few paragraphs of my initial story, and I’ve
changed the layout somewhat, the diary option is open…I’ve decided. I
can still do it the other way, but I sat down and wrote and this is
what came out. It’s a very rough draft, and quite easily changed.
Anyways, be brutal, I often need it

<==== begin first part of story here ====>

Cynthia slotted the fiber optic lead into her skull like she had so
many times since she first became what she was at the hands of Deus’
machinations.
(This sounds like she resents what he did – better rephrase.)

But this time it was different. This time she was going to run outside
of the Matrix she’d come to call home. She was leaving the arc on the
data pathways, traveling to the outside world via satellite. The AI had
already hacked
(decked)

the connection and was holding it open for her. Her hands were shaking,
but she didn’t know
(realise?)

it. She was already into that
(in the)

consensual illusory experience projected by the Matrix. She was
excited, but
(also)

anxious and scared, like a child lost without her mother. She shook her
head and resolutely ‘steps’
(despite the inverted commas, it should still be ‘stepped’ – changing
tenses in a story, let alone a sentence, is rarely a good thing)

forward into the satellite’s icon, which wasn’t
(that)

dissimilar to what it might have looked like in the meatworld and her
entire world seemed to slow down slightly. She looked around, trying to
find her leader, her creator, the one who made her what she was and the
one she looked up to like a father, but he was nowhere to be found. She
was alone.

‘Frag it to hell,’ she thought ‘why couldn’t he have come with me the
first time?’
(I use italics to represent thoughts – I realise that doesn’t work for
all emailers, but that’s pretty much an industry standard, so can we
stick with that as much as possible?)

Cynthia sailed through the nodes and SANs more slowly than she might
normally, all of a sudden aware that it’s not only Deus who could be
watching her. Her icon sighed, then found her target. It wasn’t a big
target,
(try not to use ‘target’ twice in two sentences – try ‘mark’, or ‘goal’
etc.)

nor one she thought would be heavily defended, which is what Deus
wanted her to think, of course. She slipped into the host like a ghost
in the night, but once she got inside the drek hit the fan.
(Like someone pointed out (Tay-Dor, I believe), you suddenly switch to
another point of view here. You CAN’T do that in the same paragraph.
You really need something to indicate the change – I’d suggest two
blank lines – that’s my standard for indicating a new POV. Again, if
you have a better idea, go with it. But there has to be SOMETHING.)

I suppose I should have helped her out, but those weren’t my
instructions and one doesn’t ignore instructions from Deus. I slipped
into the host behind her and the first thing I noticed is that she’s
(she was)

surrounded by black IC – and she wasn’t doing as well as she would at
home. She’s not doing badly either, I noted.
(Either make this a thought, or put it into past tense.)

She had her trusty nail gun construct
(use the right term – complex form is what otaku call their proggies)

out and was launching her homegrown attacks left and right. But she was
sluggish, nowhere near as fast as she should have been, even
considering the satellite lag. I realized
(Oooerr…now what shall we do here? English spelling or American?
Ummm…for now, don’t worry about it – do what you’re comfortable with.
We’ll rationalise later if necessary (i.e. for publication).)

the rumors were right; the otaku Deus creates aren’t as powerful as
those created outside his realm. My world took a considerable blow
right then and as Cynthia went down, so did my confidence in Deus. Oh,
I wasn’t totally shaken yet. ‘Perhaps he has a reason for not making
them as powerful,’ I thought. ‘Maybe there’s an explanation for all
this, some reason I simply wouldn’t be able to understand.’

<===== end what I’ve gotten to so far in this revision ======>
So, tell me what you think, if it fits, if it doesn’t, I’m open to
major revisions at this point. If it’s totally fugazi and you need to
throw me off the team cuz my writing sucks, I can do that too (but I’d
be sad and pout alot :)) ) anyhow, input would be appreciated.

Fine, not a prob. Looking good, in fact. For now. :) Seriously, though,
it’s not a bad start at all. I’ve made punctuation changes without
referencing them, because there are quite a few. Everything else is
noted in the text. Question marks indicate suggestions, no question
marks indicate STRONG suggestions. :)

Hope that helps.
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
Message no. 5
From: Demonnic Bloodbather demonnic@*********.net
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 06 Jul 1999 16:26:52 +1200
Ok, I wrote the first few paragraphs of my initial story, and I've
changed the layout somewhat, the diary option is open... I've decided. I
can still do it the other way, but I sat down and wrote and this is what
came out. It's a VERY rough draft, and quite easily changed. Anyways, be
brutal, I often need it

<==== begin first part of story here ====>



Cynthia slotted the fiber optic lead into her skull like she had so
many times since she first became what she was at the hands of Deus'
machinations. But this time it was different, this time she was going to
run outside of the Matrix she'd come to call home, she was leaving the
arc on the data pathways, traveling to the outside world via satellite.
The AI had already hacked the connection and was holding it open for
her. Her hands were shaking, but she didn't know it, she was already
into that consensual illusory experience projected by the Matrix. She
was excited, but anxious and scared, like a child lost without her
mother. She shook her head and resolutely 'steps' forward into the
satellite’s icon, which wasn't dissimilar to what it might have looked
like in the meatworld, and her entire world seemed to slow down
slightly. She looked around, trying to find her leader, her creator, the
one who made her what she was and the one she looked up to like a
father, but he was nowhere to be found.... she was alone.
'Frag it to hell,' she thought 'why couldn't he have come with me the
first time.'
Cynthia sailed through the nodes and SANs more slowly than she might
normally, all of a sudden aware that it's not only Deus who could be
watching her. Her icon sighed, then found her target. It wasn't a big
target, nor one she thought would be heavily defended, which is what
Deus wanted her to think, of course. She slipped into the host like a
ghost in the night, but once she got inside the drek hit the fan. I
suppose I should have helped her out, but those weren't my instructions,
and one doesn't ignore instructions from Deus. I slipped into the host
behind her, and the first thing I noticed is that she's surrounded by
black IC, and she wasn't doing as well as she would at home. She's not
doing badly either, I noted.
She had her trusty nail gun construct out and was launching her
homegrown attacks left and right. But she was sluggish, nowhere near as
fast as she should have been, even considering the satellite lag. I
realized the rumors were right, the otaku Deus creates aren't as
powerful as those created outside his realm. My world took a
considerable blow right then, and as Cynthia went down, so did my
confidence in Deus. Oh, I wasn't totally shaken yet.
'Perhaps he has a reason for not making them as powerful,' I thought,
'maybe there's an explanation for all this, some reason I simply
wouldn't be able to understand.'

<===== end what I've gotten to so far in this revision ======>
So, tell me what you think, if it fits, if it doesn't, I'm open to major
revisions at this point. If it's totally fugazi and you need to throw me
off the team cuz my writing sucks, I can do that too (but I'd be sad and
pout alot :)) ) anyhow, input would be appreciated.
Message no. 6
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 04:04:37 EDT
Looks good...see below for my comments

In a message dated 7/5/99 9:27:45 PM, demonnic@*********.net writes:

<<
Cynthia slotted the fiber optic lead into her skull like she had so
many times since she first became what she was at the hands of Deus'
machinations. But this time it was different, this time she was going to
run outside of the Matrix she'd come to call home, she was leaving the
arc on the data pathways, traveling to the outside world via satellite.
The AI had already hacked the connection and was holding it open for
her. Her hands were shaking, but she didn't know it, she was already
into that consensual illusory experience projected by the Matrix. She
was excited, but anxious and scared, like a child lost without her
mother. She shook her head and resolutely 'steps' forward into the
satellite’s icon, which wasn't dissimilar to what it might have looked
like in the meatworld, and her entire world seemed to slow down
slightly. She looked around, trying to find her leader, her creator, the
one who made her what she was and the one she looked up to like a
father, but he was nowhere to be found.... she was alone.
'Frag it to hell,' she thought 'why couldn't he have come with me the
first time.'
Cynthia sailed through the nodes and SANs more slowly than she might
normally, all of a sudden aware that it's not only Deus who could be
watching her. Her icon sighed, then found her target. It wasn't a big

right here...the story starts from what seems to be cybthia's
perspective and at this point the perspective shifts a bit disorienting.

target, nor one she thought would be heavily defended, which is what
Deus wanted her to think, of course. She slipped into the host like a
ghost in the night, but once she got inside the drek hit the fan.

equally confusing at this point. reading on you realize its another
Otaku, but at the first "I" you think it's Cynthia.

I suppose I should have helped her out, but those weren't my instructions,
and one doesn't ignore instructions from Deus. I slipped into the host
behind her, and the first thing I noticed is that she's surrounded by
black IC, and she wasn't doing as well as she would at home. She's not
doing badly either, I noted.
She had her trusty nail gun construct out and was launching her
homegrown attacks left and right. But she was sluggish, nowhere near as
fast as she should have been, even considering the satellite lag. I
realized the rumors were right, the otaku Deus creates aren't as
powerful as those created outside his realm. My world took a
considerable blow right then, and as Cynthia went down, so did my
confidence in Deus. Oh, I wasn't totally shaken yet.
'Perhaps he has a reason for not making them as powerful,' I thought,
'maybe there's an explanation for all this, some reason I simply
wouldn't be able to understand.' >>

otherwise interesting. a story from an Otaku's viewpoint eh?

Tay-Dor
Message no. 7
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 01:06:47 -0700 (PDT)
> Ok, I wrote the first few paragraphs of my initial story, and I've
changed the layout somewhat, the diary option is open... I've decided.
I can still do it the other way, but I sat down and wrote and this is
what came out. It's a VERY rough draft, and quite easily changed.
Anyways, be brutal, I often need it

I'm going to go over it tonight (when I actually have some time to sit
down and think). I'll have suggestions/corrections/questions for you
tomorrow.

Any of the other editors are welcome to try their hands. Anyone else
with any comments or ideas should also speak up.
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
Message no. 8
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: RA:S first few paragraphs
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 18:55:04 -0700 (PDT)
Ok, I wrote the first few paragraphs of my initial story, and I’ve
changed the layout somewhat, the diary option is open…I’ve decided. I
can still do it the other way, but I sat down and wrote and this is
what came out. It’s a very rough draft, and quite easily changed.
Anyways, be brutal, I often need it

<==== begin first part of story here ====>

Cynthia slotted the fiber optic lead into her skull like she had so
many times since she first became what she was at the hands of Deus’
machinations.
(This sounds like she resents what he did – better rephrase.)

But this time it was different. This time she was going to run outside
of the Matrix she’d come to call home. She was leaving the arc on the
data pathways, traveling to the outside world via satellite. The AI had
already hacked
(decked)

the connection and was holding it open for her. Her hands were shaking,
but she didn’t know
(realise?)

it. She was already into that
(in the)

consensual illusory experience projected by the Matrix. She was
excited, but
(also)

anxious and scared, like a child lost without her mother. She shook her
head and resolutely ‘steps’
(despite the inverted commas, it should still be ‘stepped’ – changing
tenses in a story, let alone a sentence, is rarely a good thing)

forward into the satellite’s icon, which wasn’t
(that)

dissimilar to what it might have looked like in the meatworld and her
entire world seemed to slow down slightly. She looked around, trying to
find her leader, her creator, the one who made her what she was and the
one she looked up to like a father, but he was nowhere to be found. She
was alone.

‘Frag it to hell,’ she thought ‘why couldn’t he have come with me the
first time?’
(I use italics to represent thoughts – I realise that doesn’t work for
all emailers, but that’s pretty much an industry standard, so can we
stick with that as much as possible?)

Cynthia sailed through the nodes and SANs more slowly than she might
normally, all of a sudden aware that it’s not only Deus who could be
watching her. Her icon sighed, then found her target. It wasn’t a big
target,
(try not to use ‘target’ twice in two sentences – try ‘mark’, or ‘goal’
etc.)

nor one she thought would be heavily defended, which is what Deus
wanted her to think, of course. She slipped into the host like a ghost
in the night, but once she got inside the drek hit the fan.
(Like someone pointed out (Tay-Dor, I believe), you suddenly switch to
another point of view here. You CAN’T do that in the same paragraph.
You really need something to indicate the change – I’d suggest two
blank lines – that’s my standard for indicating a new POV. Again, if
you have a better idea, go with it. But there has to be SOMETHING.)

I suppose I should have helped her out, but those weren’t my
instructions and one doesn’t ignore instructions from Deus. I slipped
into the host behind her and the first thing I noticed is that she’s
(she was)

surrounded by black IC – and she wasn’t doing as well as she would at
home. She’s not doing badly either, I noted.
(Either make this a thought, or put it into past tense.)

She had her trusty nail gun construct
(use the right term – complex form is what otaku call their proggies)

out and was launching her homegrown attacks left and right. But she was
sluggish, nowhere near as fast as she should have been, even
considering the satellite lag. I realized
(Oooerr…now what shall we do here? English spelling or American?
Ummm…for now, don’t worry about it – do what you’re comfortable with.
We’ll rationalise later if necessary (i.e. for publication).)

the rumors were right; the otaku Deus creates aren’t as powerful as
those created outside his realm. My world took a considerable blow
right then and as Cynthia went down, so did my confidence in Deus. Oh,
I wasn’t totally shaken yet. ‘Perhaps he has a reason for not making
them as powerful,’ I thought. ‘Maybe there’s an explanation for all
this, some reason I simply wouldn’t be able to understand.’

<===== end what I’ve gotten to so far in this revision ======>
So, tell me what you think, if it fits, if it doesn’t, I’m open to
major revisions at this point. If it’s totally fugazi and you need to
throw me off the team cuz my writing sucks, I can do that too (but I’d
be sad and pout alot :)) ) anyhow, input would be appreciated.

Fine, not a prob. Looking good, in fact. For now. :) Seriously, though,
it’s not a bad start at all. I’ve made punctuation changes without
referencing them, because there are quite a few. Everything else is
noted in the text. Question marks indicate suggestions, no question
marks indicate STRONG suggestions. :)

Hope that helps.
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

Further Reading

If you enjoyed reading about RA:S first few paragraphs, you may also be interested in:

Disclaimer

These messages were posted a long time ago on a mailing list far, far away. The copyright to their contents probably lies with the original authors of the individual messages, but since they were published in an electronic forum that anyone could subscribe to, and the logs were available to subscribers and most likely non-subscribers as well, it's felt that re-publishing them here is a kind of public service.

Thwap!