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Message no. 1
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] More of "Indiana Troll..."
Date: Sat, 10 Jul 1999 22:00:59 EDT
Another part of "Indiana Troll and the Labyrinth of Doom" as always,
comments and suggestions are welcome.



I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescent lights. I jandered down
the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all the stores. At the other
end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that went up three
stories at least. I walked over to a Mall directory and asked for an
electronics store. The machine showed me a map of the mall complex and
pointed out various stores.
I'll skip the boring shopping details, but suffice it to say I got a
pretty good deal at "Takahari's Personal Electronics Boutique" on the third
floor. I'd recommend the place...that is if it was still in operation. I
had what I had come for and I had a few more hours before I had to start back
home. So I went to the Zoo to see the paranormals. Amazing, the variety of
animals the Awakening has brought us. I liked the Phoenix best of all. The
pretty colors of its plumage, were so vibrant.
I was in the Zoo when it happened. The lights went out. Everything
got quiet as people tried to figure out what to do. I could see everyone
just standing. I do so love being a Troll. You've got to love having
Troll-sight. I could see the animals pacing in their cages. After a few
minutes, people started getting more nervous and suddenly there was sounds of
gunfire. Then there was panic, people running and shoving and pushing, this
way and that. I may be big, but the crowd overwhelmed me. I was quickly
disoriented as I was carried away by a large red mass of people. I heard
someone shout, "Gas!" and then could smell something odd in the air. I
struggled to get my respirator out of my pocket. I could hear screaming in
the distance. The Zoo was behind me now. I could here the cacophony of
sounds coming from the alarmed animals. Finally I got my respirator on which
helped my breathing. My head rung a little. What was in that gas? I saw
one of the main exits up ahead. People were squashed up against some
invisible barrier. I head someone scream, "Locked down." Someone else
shouted "Helipad." The crowd surged around me and I was swept along with it.

Fortunately, the crowd's strength started to dwindle as people fell
unconsciously to the floor affected by the gas. Not that that helped them
much as they were trampled by others. I saw a hallway off to one side and
pushed through the crowd. I saw a couple of people run down that hall before
I could reach it. Just as I entered the hall, I heard screams coming from
directly ahead. I could see something. It was coming at me in leaping
strides. It was big! I barely had time to extend my spurs to defend myself.
The beast swiped a claw at me that got through my defense and ripped across
my chest, hurtling me back into the main concourse. The beast jumped out
after me, but started attacking the panicked crowd. It was a large creature,
like a bear with two long whip-like tails. Oh the pain. My chest felt like
it was on fire. I just lay there waiting to be finished off, but the beast
bounded off leaving a path of mayhem and casualties in it's wake.
I continued to lay there, playing dead, wishing the pain would go
away. Finally I realized that I had to get out of there. I had to get
somewhere safe. Everywhere there were screams of "This door is locked!" or
"The shields are deployed!" or "We're trapped!" More often there were
the
cries of people being slaughtered by unnatural beasts.
The air tasted funny, even through the filter. Then I remembered the
gas. It must have been starting to affect me because sounds were getting
sharper, more painful. I got to my hands and knees and crawled over towards
the hallway I had been so forcefully flung out of. It was somewhat quieter
in here but my hands found something unnerving. There were deep gouges in
the floor that I could only attribute to the horrible beast that had wounded
me. I scanned the dark hall furtively and saw no heat sources. I staggered
to my feat and lumbered down the hall until I found a door marked,
"Stairwell." "Up," I thought, figuring to go upstairs and hole up in
one of
the stores until whatever was going on blew over.
The door was stuck and it took a bit of muscle to push it open. To
my horror I found bloody torn up bodies in a pile in front of the door.
Looking up the stairs I saw more. people trying to escape down the stairwell
that had been mauled by the beast. I carefully picked my way up the stairs
until I stubbed my foot on something hard and metallic. I reached down
slowly and felt for the item. A flashlight! I scanned around and didn't see
anyone moving so I thought it would be safe to use the flashlight.
The first thing illuminated by the beam was a Renraku
security helmet ripped in half. Next to it was a severed head locked forever
in a perpetual state of surprise and shock. Its eyes wide with terror and a
trail of blood running down it's chin from its mouth. I found his body only
a meter away. Quickly I searched the body for any useful items, necessity
for survival briefly overcoming fear. I was in luck. I found a stun baton,
a narcojet pistol, and an access card. I quickly pocketed the latter two
items and readied the pistol in a hand almost too big for the grip. I hoped
it would be effective against those beasts. I clipped the flashlight to my
belt and turned it off. It took a few minutes to acclimate my eyes to the
dark while nervously listening for sounds of the beast. I climbed the stairs
to the third floor while clumsily avoiding more bodies, the pain in my chest
twinging with each step.
When I reached the third floor landing, I pulled open the door a
crack and peered out. I didn't see anything in the hall so I quietly slipped
out of the stairwell.
Message no. 2
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] More of "Indiana Troll..."
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 00:35:36 -0700 (PDT)
> Another part of "Indiana Troll and the Labyrinth of Doom" as
always, comments and suggestions are welcome.
>
>
>
> I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescent lights. I jandered
down the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all the stores. At
the other end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that
went up three stories at least. I walked over to a Mall directory and
asked for an electronics store. The machine showed me a map of the
mall complex and pointed out various stores.
> I'll skip the boring shopping details, but suffice it to say I got a
pretty good deal at "Takahari's Personal Electronics Boutique" on the
third floor. I'd recommend the place...that is if it was still in
operation. I had what I had come for and I had a few more hours before
I had to start back home. So I went to the Zoo to see the paranormals.
Amazing the variety of animals the Awakening has brought us. I liked
the Phoenix best of all. The pretty colors of its plumage were so
vibrant.
(This last sentence is kinda left hanging - "The pretty colors of its
plumage were so vibrant." that...I felt drawn to it? I couldn't take my
eyes off of it?)

> I was in the Zoo when it happened. The lights went out. Everything
got quiet as people tried to figure out what to do. I could see
everyone just standing. I do so love being a Troll. You've got to
love having Troll-sight.
(You almost sound like you're repeating yourself. Rephrase the second
sentence ("It's just great being able to see in the dark." perhaps), or
drop the first sentence.)

> I could see the animals pacing in their cages. After a few minutes,
people started getting more nervous and suddenly there was sounds of
gunfire. Then there was panic, people running and shoving and pushing,
this way and that. I may be big, but the crowd overwhelmed me. I was
quickly disoriented as I was carried away by a large red mass of
people. I heard someone shout, "Gas!" and then could smell something
odd in the air. I struggled to get my respirator out of my pocket. I
could hear screaming in the distance. The Zoo was behind me now. I
could here
(hear)

> the cacophony of sounds coming from the alarmed animals. Finally I
got my respirator on which helped my breathing. My head rung a little.
(rang)

> What was in that gas? I saw one of the main exits up ahead. People
were squashed up against some invisible barrier. I head someone
scream, "Locked down."
(Scream? Then where's the exclamation mark? :) )

> Someone else shouted "Helipad."
(As above.)

> The crowd surged around me and I was swept along with it.
> Fortunately the crowd's strength started to dwindle as people fell
unconsciously to the floor affected by the gas.
(Ouch! That's a veritable shocker of a sentence, Tay-Dor. :) Try,
ummm..."...as people fell to the floor unconscious, finally overcome by
the gas.")

> Not that that helped them much as they were trampled by others. I
saw a hallway off to one side and pushed through the crowd. I saw a
couple of people run down that hall before I could reach it. Just as I
entered the hall, I heard screams coming from directly ahead. I could
see something. It was coming at me in leaping strides. It was big!
(Suggestion - "It was coming at me in leaping strides and it was big!")

> I barely had time to extend my spurs to defend myself.

(This should be a new paragraph.)
> The beast swiped a claw at me that got through my defense and ripped
across my chest, hurtling
(Change that to "hurling". You hurtle, but you aren't hurtled, if you
know what I mean. :) )

> me back into the main concourse. The beast
(Try "It", not "The beast" again so soon.)

> jumped out after me, but started attacking the panicked crowd.
(Rephrase suggestion. "...but for some reason it turned on the panicked
crowd instead.")

> It was a large creature, like a bear with two long whip-like tails.
Oh, the pain. My chest felt like it was on fire. I just lay there
waiting to be finished off, but the beast bounded off, leaving a path
of mayhem and casualties in its wake.
> I continued to lay there, playing dead, wishing the pain would go
away. Finally I realized that I had to get out of there. I had to get
somewhere safe. Everywhere there were screams of "This door is
locked!" or "The shields
(barriers?)

> are deployed!" or "We're trapped!" More often there were the cries of
people being slaughtered by unnatural beasts.
> The air tasted funny, even through the filter. Then I remembered
the gas. It must have been starting to affect me because sounds were
getting sharper, more painful. I got to my hands and knees and crawled
over towards the hallway I had been so forcefully flung out of. It was
somewhat quieter in here
(there)

> but my hands found something unnerving. There were deep gouges in
the floor that I could only attribute to the horrible beast that had
wounded me. I scanned the dark hall furtively and saw no heat sources.
I staggered to my feat
(feet)

> and lumbered down the hall until I found a door marked, "Stairwell."
(Suggestion - try not to lead too many sentences with "I". Instead of
"I staggered to my feet and..." try "Staggering to my feet, I...")

> "Up," I thought, figuring to
("I'd", not "to")

> go upstairs and hole up in one of the stores until whatever was going
on blew over.
> The door was stuck and it took a bit of muscle to push it open. To
my horror I found bloody, torn-up bodies in a pile in front of the
door. Looking up the stairs I saw more; people trying to escape down
the stairwell that had been mauled by the beast.
(Think about restructuring this sentence. It sounds like you're saying
the medusa mauled the stairwell, not the people. :) )

> I carefully picked my way up the stairs until I stubbed my foot on
something hard and metallic. I reached down slowly and felt for the
item. A flashlight! I scanned around and didn't see anyone moving so
I thought it would be safe to use the flashlight.
> The first thing illuminated by the beam was a Renraku security
helmet ripped in half. Next to it was a severed head locked forever in
a perpetual state of surprise and shock, its eyes wide with terror and
a trail of blood running down its chin from its mouth. I found his
body only a meter away. Quickly I searched the body for any useful
items, necessity for survival briefly overcoming fear. I was in luck.
I found a stun baton, a narcojet pistol, and an access card. I quickly
pocketed the latter two items and readied the pistol in a hand almost
too big for the grip. I hoped it would be effective against those
beasts.
(New paragraph)

> I clipped the flashlight to my belt and turned it off. It took a
few minutes to acclimate my eyes to the dark while nervously listening
for sounds of the beast. I climbed the stairs to the third floor while
clumsily avoiding more bodies, the pain in my chest twinging with each
step.
> When I reached the third floor landing, I pulled open the door a
crack and peered out. I didn't see anything in the hall so I quietly
slipped out of the stairwell.

Lookin' good, TD. :)
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
Message no. 3
From: CEvans9159@***.com CEvans9159@***.com
Subject: [RA:S] More of "Indiana Troll..."
Date: Sat, 10 Jul 1999 22:00:59 EDT
Another part of "Indiana Troll and the Labyrinth of Doom" as always,
comments and suggestions are welcome.



I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescent lights. I jandered down
the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all the stores. At the other
end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that went up three
stories at least. I walked over to a Mall directory and asked for an
electronics store. The machine showed me a map of the mall complex and
pointed out various stores.
I'll skip the boring shopping details, but suffice it to say I got a
pretty good deal at "Takahari's Personal Electronics Boutique" on the third
floor. I'd recommend the place...that is if it was still in operation. I
had what I had come for and I had a few more hours before I had to start back
home. So I went to the Zoo to see the paranormals. Amazing, the variety of
animals the Awakening has brought us. I liked the Phoenix best of all. The
pretty colors of its plumage, were so vibrant.
I was in the Zoo when it happened. The lights went out. Everything
got quiet as people tried to figure out what to do. I could see everyone
just standing. I do so love being a Troll. You've got to love having
Troll-sight. I could see the animals pacing in their cages. After a few
minutes, people started getting more nervous and suddenly there was sounds of
gunfire. Then there was panic, people running and shoving and pushing, this
way and that. I may be big, but the crowd overwhelmed me. I was quickly
disoriented as I was carried away by a large red mass of people. I heard
someone shout, "Gas!" and then could smell something odd in the air. I
struggled to get my respirator out of my pocket. I could hear screaming in
the distance. The Zoo was behind me now. I could here the cacophony of
sounds coming from the alarmed animals. Finally I got my respirator on which
helped my breathing. My head rung a little. What was in that gas? I saw
one of the main exits up ahead. People were squashed up against some
invisible barrier. I head someone scream, "Locked down." Someone else
shouted "Helipad." The crowd surged around me and I was swept along with it.

Fortunately, the crowd's strength started to dwindle as people fell
unconsciously to the floor affected by the gas. Not that that helped them
much as they were trampled by others. I saw a hallway off to one side and
pushed through the crowd. I saw a couple of people run down that hall before
I could reach it. Just as I entered the hall, I heard screams coming from
directly ahead. I could see something. It was coming at me in leaping
strides. It was big! I barely had time to extend my spurs to defend myself.
The beast swiped a claw at me that got through my defense and ripped across
my chest, hurtling me back into the main concourse. The beast jumped out
after me, but started attacking the panicked crowd. It was a large creature,
like a bear with two long whip-like tails. Oh the pain. My chest felt like
it was on fire. I just lay there waiting to be finished off, but the beast
bounded off leaving a path of mayhem and casualties in it's wake.
I continued to lay there, playing dead, wishing the pain would go
away. Finally I realized that I had to get out of there. I had to get
somewhere safe. Everywhere there were screams of "This door is locked!" or
"The shields are deployed!" or "We're trapped!" More often there were
the
cries of people being slaughtered by unnatural beasts.
The air tasted funny, even through the filter. Then I remembered the
gas. It must have been starting to affect me because sounds were getting
sharper, more painful. I got to my hands and knees and crawled over towards
the hallway I had been so forcefully flung out of. It was somewhat quieter
in here but my hands found something unnerving. There were deep gouges in
the floor that I could only attribute to the horrible beast that had wounded
me. I scanned the dark hall furtively and saw no heat sources. I staggered
to my feat and lumbered down the hall until I found a door marked,
"Stairwell." "Up," I thought, figuring to go upstairs and hole up in
one of
the stores until whatever was going on blew over.
The door was stuck and it took a bit of muscle to push it open. To
my horror I found bloody torn up bodies in a pile in front of the door.
Looking up the stairs I saw more. people trying to escape down the stairwell
that had been mauled by the beast. I carefully picked my way up the stairs
until I stubbed my foot on something hard and metallic. I reached down
slowly and felt for the item. A flashlight! I scanned around and didn't see
anyone moving so I thought it would be safe to use the flashlight.
The first thing illuminated by the beam was a Renraku
security helmet ripped in half. Next to it was a severed head locked forever
in a perpetual state of surprise and shock. Its eyes wide with terror and a
trail of blood running down it's chin from its mouth. I found his body only
a meter away. Quickly I searched the body for any useful items, necessity
for survival briefly overcoming fear. I was in luck. I found a stun baton,
a narcojet pistol, and an access card. I quickly pocketed the latter two
items and readied the pistol in a hand almost too big for the grip. I hoped
it would be effective against those beasts. I clipped the flashlight to my
belt and turned it off. It took a few minutes to acclimate my eyes to the
dark while nervously listening for sounds of the beast. I climbed the stairs
to the third floor while clumsily avoiding more bodies, the pain in my chest
twinging with each step.
When I reached the third floor landing, I pulled open the door a
crack and peered out. I didn't see anything in the hall so I quietly slipped
out of the stairwell.
Message no. 4
From: Rand Ratinac docwagon101@*****.com
Subject: [RA:S] More of "Indiana Troll..."
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 00:35:36 -0700 (PDT)
> Another part of "Indiana Troll and the Labyrinth of Doom" as
always, comments and suggestions are welcome.
>
>
>
> I don't think I had ever seen anything more shiny and clean.
Everything was lit up bright by large fluorescent lights. I jandered
down the main thoroughfare of the mall and gaped at all the stores. At
the other end, I could make out an indoor park with real trees that
went up three stories at least. I walked over to a Mall directory and
asked for an electronics store. The machine showed me a map of the
mall complex and pointed out various stores.
> I'll skip the boring shopping details, but suffice it to say I got a
pretty good deal at "Takahari's Personal Electronics Boutique" on the
third floor. I'd recommend the place...that is if it was still in
operation. I had what I had come for and I had a few more hours before
I had to start back home. So I went to the Zoo to see the paranormals.
Amazing the variety of animals the Awakening has brought us. I liked
the Phoenix best of all. The pretty colors of its plumage were so
vibrant.
(This last sentence is kinda left hanging - "The pretty colors of its
plumage were so vibrant." that...I felt drawn to it? I couldn't take my
eyes off of it?)

> I was in the Zoo when it happened. The lights went out. Everything
got quiet as people tried to figure out what to do. I could see
everyone just standing. I do so love being a Troll. You've got to
love having Troll-sight.
(You almost sound like you're repeating yourself. Rephrase the second
sentence ("It's just great being able to see in the dark." perhaps), or
drop the first sentence.)

> I could see the animals pacing in their cages. After a few minutes,
people started getting more nervous and suddenly there was sounds of
gunfire. Then there was panic, people running and shoving and pushing,
this way and that. I may be big, but the crowd overwhelmed me. I was
quickly disoriented as I was carried away by a large red mass of
people. I heard someone shout, "Gas!" and then could smell something
odd in the air. I struggled to get my respirator out of my pocket. I
could hear screaming in the distance. The Zoo was behind me now. I
could here
(hear)

> the cacophony of sounds coming from the alarmed animals. Finally I
got my respirator on which helped my breathing. My head rung a little.
(rang)

> What was in that gas? I saw one of the main exits up ahead. People
were squashed up against some invisible barrier. I head someone
scream, "Locked down."
(Scream? Then where's the exclamation mark? :) )

> Someone else shouted "Helipad."
(As above.)

> The crowd surged around me and I was swept along with it.
> Fortunately the crowd's strength started to dwindle as people fell
unconsciously to the floor affected by the gas.
(Ouch! That's a veritable shocker of a sentence, Tay-Dor. :) Try,
ummm..."...as people fell to the floor unconscious, finally overcome by
the gas.")

> Not that that helped them much as they were trampled by others. I
saw a hallway off to one side and pushed through the crowd. I saw a
couple of people run down that hall before I could reach it. Just as I
entered the hall, I heard screams coming from directly ahead. I could
see something. It was coming at me in leaping strides. It was big!
(Suggestion - "It was coming at me in leaping strides and it was big!")

> I barely had time to extend my spurs to defend myself.

(This should be a new paragraph.)
> The beast swiped a claw at me that got through my defense and ripped
across my chest, hurtling
(Change that to "hurling". You hurtle, but you aren't hurtled, if you
know what I mean. :) )

> me back into the main concourse. The beast
(Try "It", not "The beast" again so soon.)

> jumped out after me, but started attacking the panicked crowd.
(Rephrase suggestion. "...but for some reason it turned on the panicked
crowd instead.")

> It was a large creature, like a bear with two long whip-like tails.
Oh, the pain. My chest felt like it was on fire. I just lay there
waiting to be finished off, but the beast bounded off, leaving a path
of mayhem and casualties in its wake.
> I continued to lay there, playing dead, wishing the pain would go
away. Finally I realized that I had to get out of there. I had to get
somewhere safe. Everywhere there were screams of "This door is
locked!" or "The shields
(barriers?)

> are deployed!" or "We're trapped!" More often there were the cries of
people being slaughtered by unnatural beasts.
> The air tasted funny, even through the filter. Then I remembered
the gas. It must have been starting to affect me because sounds were
getting sharper, more painful. I got to my hands and knees and crawled
over towards the hallway I had been so forcefully flung out of. It was
somewhat quieter in here
(there)

> but my hands found something unnerving. There were deep gouges in
the floor that I could only attribute to the horrible beast that had
wounded me. I scanned the dark hall furtively and saw no heat sources.
I staggered to my feat
(feet)

> and lumbered down the hall until I found a door marked, "Stairwell."
(Suggestion - try not to lead too many sentences with "I". Instead of
"I staggered to my feet and..." try "Staggering to my feet, I...")

> "Up," I thought, figuring to
("I'd", not "to")

> go upstairs and hole up in one of the stores until whatever was going
on blew over.
> The door was stuck and it took a bit of muscle to push it open. To
my horror I found bloody, torn-up bodies in a pile in front of the
door. Looking up the stairs I saw more; people trying to escape down
the stairwell that had been mauled by the beast.
(Think about restructuring this sentence. It sounds like you're saying
the medusa mauled the stairwell, not the people. :) )

> I carefully picked my way up the stairs until I stubbed my foot on
something hard and metallic. I reached down slowly and felt for the
item. A flashlight! I scanned around and didn't see anyone moving so
I thought it would be safe to use the flashlight.
> The first thing illuminated by the beam was a Renraku security
helmet ripped in half. Next to it was a severed head locked forever in
a perpetual state of surprise and shock, its eyes wide with terror and
a trail of blood running down its chin from its mouth. I found his
body only a meter away. Quickly I searched the body for any useful
items, necessity for survival briefly overcoming fear. I was in luck.
I found a stun baton, a narcojet pistol, and an access card. I quickly
pocketed the latter two items and readied the pistol in a hand almost
too big for the grip. I hoped it would be effective against those
beasts.
(New paragraph)

> I clipped the flashlight to my belt and turned it off. It took a
few minutes to acclimate my eyes to the dark while nervously listening
for sounds of the beast. I climbed the stairs to the third floor while
clumsily avoiding more bodies, the pain in my chest twinging with each
step.
> When I reached the third floor landing, I pulled open the door a
crack and peered out. I didn't see anything in the hall so I quietly
slipped out of the stairwell.

Lookin' good, TD. :)
==Doc'
(aka Mr. Freaky Big, Super-Dynamic Troll of Tomorrow)

.sig Sauer
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @*****.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

Further Reading

If you enjoyed reading about [RA:S] More of "Indiana Troll...", you may also be interested in:

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These messages were posted a long time ago on a mailing list far, far away. The copyright to their contents probably lies with the original authors of the individual messages, but since they were published in an electronic forum that anyone could subscribe to, and the logs were available to subscribers and most likely non-subscribers as well, it's felt that re-publishing them here is a kind of public service.