|From:||Dane Jensen <djensen@*********.COM>|
|Subject:||24 More Hours in Cyberspace|
|Date:||Mon, 21 Apr 1997 12:32:59 -0700|
>I read this in the New York Metro Computer User, it was so funny i had to
>type it up and send it to all of you. This means i do not deserve credit=
>If you want to find this origional article and lots of other kewl stuff=
>the april issue of this in one of those kewl newspaper things (it's free) i
>got mine on the corner of Wall St and somewhere in Manhatten.
>"24 more hours in cyberspace
>Just 10 years ago, only researchers and a few others could waste time in
>cyberspace. Ordinary people were forced to use the television or radio to
>waste time. Some were even forced to spend time with their famlies and
>friends. It was horrible, but that has all changed as more and more people
>have gotten wired to the Net.
>People all over the world are now able to take advantage of the Internet to
>waste time in ways they did not even know existed 10 years ago. It is truly
>On November 20, 1996, we sent writers all over the world to examine this
>revolution and to record the events of one day in cyberspace. It really
>seemed like a good idea at the time but there was just one problem. The
>writers ended up wasteing all their time, and no one even bothered sending
>us any copy. Instead, we were forced to just make a bunch of stuff up
>Excited, 57-year-old Bob Snyder of Austin, Texas, turns on his computer.
>Today is the day he will finally figure out the internet.
>Somewhere deep within the vast cliché that is cyberspace, 11,657
>get-rich-quick messages cross paths with 9,885 make-money-fast messages and
>13,498 chain letter bearing good fortune. Meanwhile, the vitally important
>message Dr. James T. Cochran of NASA sent is counterpart at the Russian
>Space Agency is irrertievably lost.
>Bob Snyder is dismayed when after following all the directions exactly, he
>is unable to connect to the internet. He calls his Internet provider,
>WiseNet and is placed on hold.
>A man from WiseNet technical support talks to Bob Snyder and discovers what
>the problem was. Bob had mistakenly entered 18.104.22.168 for the IP address
>when he should have entered 22.214.171.124. Feeling relieved yet just a tad
>embarrassed at his newbie mistake, Bob gets ready again to surf the net.
>Teri Hughs of Columbus, Ohio, discovers "Plump", the coolest new webzine.
>"Plump" is full of witty and informative articles and uses Java, real-life
>audio, Crescendo background music and Shockspace. She can't wait to read
>Bob Snyder still cannot make it onto the internet. The Technicians at
>WiseNet suggest that he change his modem iniation code from AT&F1&M0_@#$%=
>Teri Hughs' 28.8 modem is just abiout to finish downloading this weeks=
>of "Plump" when the modem disconnects.
>Bob Snyder's modem finally works, but this time he gets a busy signal. He
>calls up tech support, and they tell him to try again in a few minutes.
>The Online Female Nymphomaniacs Club is forced to disband when it is
>discovered that 1,146 of its 1,147 members are actually men. The only woman
>in the club is Ida Barry, a 93-year-old great-grandmother from Abilene,
>Bob Snyder's modem is able to connect for 15 seconds before disconnecting.
>He calls tech support again. They are baffled. "Maybe it's a problem with
>your modem," one person suggests.
>While sitting in his father's den, 15-year-old Nate Reed of Vancouver,
>British Columbia, suddenly discoversthat right in his dad's computer he can
>actually look at pictures of completely naked women. It is the high point=
>his life so far.
>In San Jose, California, Crusade Internet, the company behind the hottest
>new data encryption software, holds the first meeting of it's board of
>directors. The founder of the company, Chairman of the board, and inventor
>of crusadenet software, Teddy Miller, age three, calls the meeting to=
>Teddy begins by announcing that they have to move quickly to update their
>software, because billy, his friend from daycare, is developing a radical
>new encryption package that could possibly threaten Crusade's market share
>in the future. Unfortunately, before any decisions can be reached, the
>meeting comes to an end when Teddy's mother announces it's nap time.
>In Richmondm Virginia, Sonny Ewing forms a brand new internet consulting=
>design firm. This is the 73rd Internet Consulting firm created today and=
>places the number of Internet consulting and design firms in the United
>states slightly ahead of the numbe rof Starbuck's coffee shops and only a
>few thousand behind the number of Blockbuster Video franchises.
>Bob Snyder enters the offices of WiseNet, takes out an AK-47 and demands
>that someone figure out how to connect him to "this whole stupid Internet
>thing" or else he will start shooting.
>Mildred Reed, mother of 15-year-old Nate Reed, announces that dinner is
>ready. Nate says, he'll "be right there" just as soon as he finishes the
>last question on his geometry homework.
>Bob Snyder starts shooting.
>Nate Reed arrives at the dinner table, claiming that "it was a really
>difficult question." Mildred Reed notices her son's flushed expression and
>worries that he might be coming down with something.
>A new episode of "The X-Files" begins, Internet usage drops by 37%. At the
>same time, James Dooligan send a message to alt.x-files.conspiracy claiming
>the the X-files is actually part of a CIA conspiracy. "the Governtment," he
>writes, "must be doing something between 9 and 10 O'clock that they don't
>want us to know about. We're all to busy watching The X-Files so they know
>they can get away with anything then.
>24-year-old Byron McCormack of Trenton, New Jersey, discovers that the
>19-year-old woman he has been cyberdating for the past year is not really a
>fashion model as she had claimed. Instead she is an ostrich. "Well, yeah,=
>was a shock." Byron says. "I mean i don't know what to do. I still care for
>her and all, but this whole different species thing is really confusing."
>Byron admits that there were some clues. "well, yeah, that naked picture=
>sent my looked a lot like the chick from Singled Out, but i just figured it
>was a coincidence. Plus, she was always going on and on about snad, but i
>figured fashion models can like sand too.
>"How was is supposed to know that meant she was an ostrich? Still, I guess
>it;s kinda cool. I mean, I didn't even know ostriches could type."
Is it me, or is forward only used for forwarding stuff like this?