| From: | NightLife <habenir@******.SAN.UC.EDU> |
|---|---|
| Subject: | BJ Time Explorer |
| Date: | Sun, 9 Mar 1997 05:40:00 -0500 |
Timeline Explorer, Bumpkin Style
Events related to
1998: In response to the US firearms ban, residents of West Virginia,
Georgia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, and South Carolina use shotguns to
annihilate every road sign in their respective states.
1999: In Frukston, Kentucky the Society For The Preservation Of
Magical Critters is established. They disband a short time later, after
realizing that the Awakening is not scheduled to occur for another 15 years.
2001: Fans of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey riot outside of NASA's
headquarters, demanding that they step up their interplanetary exploration
efforts before they "ruin the next movie, too."
2002: The predecessor to the Ares corporation opens in Dugton,
Arkansas. The company moves a short while later because, as the CEO put it,
"There ain't a goddamned thing to do in Arkansas."
2004: A government study shows that 90% of the firearms owned by
Americans are located on a rack in a pickup truck belonging to Bud Fredmore
of Slippery Creek, West Virginia.
2006: A nuclear plant in western Georgia experiences a massive
meltdown. The local residents'genes are so badly mutated that, for the next
fifty years, their children are born perfectly normal.
2010: The residents of Bumbuckle, Kentucky riot for no apparent
reason. "We were just really bored," stated a resident of the town.
2012: In West Pedunk, Tennessee; Bob Nugget, aged 13 years, punches
his mother in the face after she refuses to let him continue tying up the
phone line with his computer programming and hacking activities. A friend in
the room remarks, "Bobby! You deck'd her!". Thus a major Archetype was born.
2015: In Kentucky the towns of Kruddlemunk, Plud, and Fernwhup are
merged to form the village of Greater Sprunt.
2017: Earl Rudman, a farmer in rural Georgia, unearths the Lost
Temple Of Ultimate Wisdom, which he summarily bulldozes for the purpose of
building a barn.
2018: The first portable laser weapon is developed by Eugland Frunk
of South Carolina for his Junior High School science project. It is
immediately confiscated by his mother and thrown in the garbage, thus
setting laser technology back several decades.
2020: Elves around the world protest in earnest, demanding the right
to have normal ears.
2023: Bubba Snudson, a manure salesman vacationing on lake Winsnookle,
is swallowed whole by a freshwater serpent. The creature immediately spits
the man out, hacks, and dives back into the depths, never to be seen again.
2025: The towns of Lenny, Slub, and Crools merge to form the village
of Cowopolis.
2026: The first Livestock War: Gus Musson, after accidentally running
over Pudge Simpson's prize lamb, is attacked on his farm by a group of
paranormal sheep. After a long and bloody battle the sheep are driven off by
a courageous band of awakened chickens.
2028: The first purely cybernetically controlled farm tractor is
developed.
2030: Country singer Bobby Ray Emerson is shocked to death with
cattle prods as an angry audience storms the stage after they discover that
he drives a Westwind 2000, not a Dodge Ram.
2031: The second Livestock War: After regrouping and retraining,
Pudge Simpson's paranormal sheep launch an all out assault against Gus
Musson and his awakened chickens. The sheep, now led by an high level free
Cow Spirit, overrun the farm and secure nearly 300 acres of prized grazing land.
2032: The third Livestock War: Gus Musson and his awakened chickens,
after receiving reinforcements in the form of cybered billy goats, mass
around their captured farm. After ravaging their foes with long ranged
artillery fire the force moves in, capturing the farm and their enemies in a
battle that lasted less than a minute. Pudge Simpson is arrested and
sentenced to 50 years in prison. The sheep are made into sweaters and
sandwiches. The free cow spirit is forced into servitude after Gus learns
its true name: Bessy. And with that the Livestock Wars came to an end.
2035: News coverage of the Insurance Wars cuts in during an episode
of Hee Haw, causing major riots in Dwebmung, Sput, and Fweeb Town.
2038: The government launches a major slash and burn campaign against
the rural Georgia marijuana industry. Residents appear on camera, their
fields smoldering behind them, and report that "this was some wild shit that
happened down.....uh, what was the question?"
2041: Buddy Upned of Clump, Mississippi is killed when a cow methane
build up ignites and incinerates his farm.
2043: More than 100 UFO sightings in one night are reported in
Grendlub, Kentucky. This is 10% increase over the normal rate of reports.
2046: The Mafia and Yakuza battle ferociously for control of Twig,
Arkansas. God only knows why.
2050: Thousands of identical Street Samurai archetypes suddenly
appear out of nowhere, all wielding Ingrams, possessing Wired Reflexes 3,
and sporting scaryish names like "Killer".
2055: South Carolina alone orders 75,000,000 Remington 990 shotguns.
2057: Bobby Bub Lubble of Kurdump, South Carolina finally replaces
his 8-Track player with something more high tech, at last killing off the
most disgraceful audio format in world history.
Text By Branson Hagerty (bhagerty@*******.temple.edu) With All Due Respect
To Paolo Marcucci and John Maniha.
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Nightlife Inc.
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Goodie!
Maybe it's those Rocket Skates I ordered from the ACME company!
The last pair backfired and almost blew my legs halfway to my Duodenum.
But I'll get that pesky Road Runner yet.
With My Life's Blood I swear it!
"Deadpool #3"
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Document Classified
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