| From: | Doctor Doom <JCH8169@***.TAMU.EDU> |
|---|---|
| Subject: | Great Thwaps of History . . . Or Not |
| Date: | Mon, 30 Jan 1995 04:45:36 -0600 |
>Actually, it's ME! YES! I am the new head of the department!
>Now all shadowrunners will witness the new sourcebooks: The
>Neo-Anarchist Guide to Potted Plants, the Corporate Explanation of
>Analytical Chemistry, the Native American Nation Cookbook! And it will
>cost you millions of dollars for this new, invaluable information!"
It would appear that I have arrived just in time ...
NOTE: This resulted, as much as anything, from viewing a marathon of
"Monty Python's Flying Circus" episodes during the holidays. The
extensive usage of vernacular and colloquial English is partially
a result of the speech patterns as observed in the programme as
well as the malignant machinations of the maniacal Mister Mood.
Expounding upon that latter point, it includes the presence of
various mind-altering substances (with convenient screw-off caps)
such as chocolate, cream cheese, toasters, Mueslix (that cereal
made with berries and figs, leaves and twigs) and tiddly-winks.
Besides the aforementioned influences, there is the fact that I
have only just recently secured permanent lodgings and am still
attempting to acclimate myself to my new situation.
There is also the consideration of That Which Escapes the Mind at
the Moment, but I cannot seem to recollect it presently.
WARNING: This article may behave as designed in an utterly non-erratic manner
for the duration of operation. This shall likely occur in an wholly
unanticipated fashion and initiate when least expected.
>>>This letter was made possible by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal,
but we'er not completely certain as to what effect this shall have.<<<
And NOW ...
-- GREAT THWAPS OF HISTORY --
Brought to you by Shrill Petrol, with the new additive GLC 9424075
( after 6 p.m. 9424047 )
A bare room with a desk and door in the far wall ... the setting appears eerily
cartoonish, equally so the image and bizarrely mechanically moving image of the
GREAT Cornholio sitting at a desk and typing away at a computer terminal.
"So the GREAT Cornholio returned to his work, and dreamed his little dreamy
dreams, unaware as he was of the cruel trick fate had in store for him..."
(behind him we see little yellow cartoon men file in the door, and soon cover
the floor of the lab)
"For the GREAT Cornholio was about to fall victim of the dreaded international
Chinese Communist Conspiracy. Yes, these fanatical thieves under the
leadership of the so-called Mao Tse-tung (who also appears in the animation)
had caught the GREAT Cornholio off guard for one brief but fatal moment and
destroyed him."
(the GREAT Cornholio is submerged in a tide of yellow men)
"Such fate awaits all free men if they waver in their resolve against global
communism ..."
The B.B.C. would like to apologize for this apparent error in programming,
as what preceded this announcement was most conspicuously not "Great Thwaps
of History" but rather an advertisement for the Society for the Paranoid and
Bewildered (a non-profit organization affiliated with the Association of
Long John Silver Impersonators, Ltd.), for this misstep the B.B.C. shall
accept full responsibility and as the error occurred on the executive level,
the entire secretarial pool shall be sacked.
The B.B.C. would also like to apologize for the violence contained within
the last clip -- that is to say, the significant lack thereof. It is not
the policy of the B.B.C. to have such programmes with such a dearth of
violence within them and informs the viewers that they may rest assured
that all future programming shall meet the B.B.C.'s exacting standards of
quality, artistic merit, and sufficiently violent content.
The B.B.C. would like to apologize for the last apology, being as it obviously
failed to apologize for the correct thing ... for this we apologize.
The B.B.C. would like to apologize for the last two apologies being as it
did not make abundantly clear it was the intention of the executives (those
who were not fired in lieu of dispatching the lot of innocent secretaries)
to apologies for the excessive quantities of violence contained within this
last clip.
It is not the policy of the B.B.C. to have such programmes with such large
quantities of violence within them and informs the viewers that they may rest
assured that all future programming shall meet the B.B.C.'s exacting standards
of quality, artistic merit, and non-violent content.
The offending comments within the first apology were authored by yet another
executive, and hence his secretary has been sacked.
The B.B.C. would like to apologize for all this discussion of secretaries
being sacked, and hence those responsible for having those who have just
been sacked sacked, have had their secretaries sacked.
The B.B.C. would like to apologize for this apology. It was utterly
unnecessary, a meaningless diversion, and could only detract from your
enjoyment of watching this programme.
SITUATION VACANT: Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably
non-smoker, wanted to be King of Sardinia. No time wasters please. By
Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris.
GREAT THWAPS OF HISTORY
Pastoral countryside, with a tiny hamlet in the distance. There is the thunder
of hooves, and a number of red-robed riders racing rapidly (said several times
quickly) toward the far-off village.
(voiceover)
IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF
RELIGIOUS UNORTHODOXY, THE POPE GAVE CARDINAL XIMENEZ OF SPAIN LEAVE TO
MOVE WITHOUT HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR
AND TORTURE THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS THE SPANISH INQUISITION . . .
[I tell you, in those days, Men were REAL Men, Women were REAL Women (a bloody
fine arrangement, if we do say so ourselves), and Small, Furry Creatures from
Alpha Centauri were REAL Small, Furry Creatures from Alpha Centauri ... ]
Close to the hamlet, looking into one of the windows of a rather humble home,
we see the GREAT Cornholio raving about chewing gum prices as well as decrying
the government's embargo of yo-yo polish ... he breaks into a long soliloquy
about his dreams of power:
"Actually, it's ME! YES! I am the new head of the department!
Now all shadowrunners will witness the new sourcebooks: The
Neo-Anarchist Guide to Potted Plants, the Corporate Explanation of
Analytical Chemistry, the Native American Nation Cookbook! And it will
cost you millions of dollars for this new, invaluable information!"
[JARRING CORD]
With an ear-splitting crash, the door to his abode is brutally smashed open,
and three individuals in long, red robes rush through the portal.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" shouts the apparent
leader, Grand Inquisitor Cardinal Ximenez, whose features (save two glowing
eyes) are obscured in the shadows beneath his large, floppy hat.
"Wha--?"
"SILENCE, foul heretic!"
"Our weapons are many: Fear, Surprise, Ruthless Efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope and nice red uniforms!" at the end of this
rant, the Grand Inquisitor turns to the viewer and triumphantly asks, "Didn't
think I could do it, eh?"
"You're the Spanish Inquisition?"
"YES." answers Ximenez menacingly, and begins to laugh maniacally.
"What, there's just the three of you?"
"We ARE the Spanish Inquisition ... errr, no ... I believe I see your point.
We ARE the ... no, we are MEMBERS ... no, no, no." Ximenez ponders furiously
over the conundrum.
"NO! NO! I have it! We are representatives of the Spanish Inquistion,
stamper-outer of Religious Unorthodoxy, the strong right arm of the Papacy,
and the fashion avant guard who show unquestioningly that RED shall be very
big this year!"
"I have no idea /who/..." begins the GREAT Cornholio, quite bewildered.
"YOU are charged of three counts of heresy!"
"HERESY?!?"
"YES, demonspawn, HERESY! Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed,
and heresy by association! Err, FOUR counts! Yes, FOUR counts!"
"This is crazy ..."
Not to be deterred, Ximenez shouts, "Get the soft cushions!"
The junior cardinals immediately produce some very plush and (presumably) soft
cushions, whereupon they begin to poke the GREAT Cornholio with them. The
GREAT Cornholio looks at them like they're complete loonies, of course.
"He doesn't appear to be cracking, My Lord."
The Grand Inquisitor roars angrily: "GET ... THE WET CARP!"
Both junior cardinals balk, horrified at the suggestion. Ximenez glares at
them, and one hesitantly hands over a rather confused-appearing fish. Ximenez
angrily takes the carp, and winds up:
"CONFESS!"
TTTTTTTTTT HH HH WW WW AA PPPPPPP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW AAAA PP PP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW AA AA PP PP || ||
TT HHHHHHHH WW WW WW AA AA PPPPPPP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW WW AAAAAAAA PP || ||
TT HH HH WWWWWWWW AA AA PP
TT HH HH WW WW AA AA PP .. ..
[ confession-inducing wet carp noise ]
"CONFESS!"
TTTTTTTTTT HH HH WW WW AA PPPPPPP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW AAAA PP PP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW AA AA PP PP || ||
TT HHHHHHHH WW WW WW AA AA PPPPPPP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW WW AAAAAAAA PP || ||
TT HH HH WWWWWWWW AA AA PP
TT HH HH WW WW AA AA PP .. ..
[ confession-inducing wet carp noise ]
"CONFESS!"
TTTTTTTTTT HH HH WW WW AA PPPPPPP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW AAAA PP PP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW AA AA PP PP || ||
TT HHHHHHHH WW WW WW AA AA PPPPPPP || ||
TT HH HH WW WW WW AAAAAAAA PP || ||
TT HH HH WWWWWWWW AA AA PP
TT HH HH WW WW AA AA PP .. ..
[ confession-inducing wet carp noise ]
The B.B.C. would like to apologize for this apparent reneging upon its
exacting policies regarding the violent content of programming --
(suddenly, a 16 tonne weight drops from above upon the unsuspecting
official-appearing B.B.C. representative)
Well ... that's quite enough of that.
/\ This insanity was brought to you by...
/ \\
/ \ \ Doom Technologies & Weapon Systems
/ ---\ \ \ Dark Thought Publications
/ <(O)> \ \ The Prussian Army
/ \ \ The Spanish Inquisition
/ \ / (Weren't expecting them, eh?)
/ \/ The Ancient Order of the Bavarian Illuminati
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ (The World's Oldest Conspiracy...join today!)
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV."
