| From: | Doctor Doom <JCH8169@***.TAMU.EDU> |
|---|---|
| Subject: | MST3K -- Mystery Science Theater 3000 |
| Date: | Sun, 12 Feb 1995 16:32:11 -0600 |
A list denizen inquired as to the identity of MST3K . . . the acronym is an
abbreviation for "Mystery Science Theater 3000" a programme on Comedy Central,
an all-comedy channel available in certain areas within the United States, and
possibly elsewhere; although, I am not certain.
The essential crux of the concept is the utilization of categorically /bad/
films -- when I mean bad, I mean deplorable, awful, excessively melodramatic
or simply ridiculous acting, poor directing, laughable sets and scenery. Call
to mind low-budget horror and science fiction, think less sophisticated than
the original Flash Gordon, and do not be remiss in recollecting Japanese
monster films.
These cinematic failures are then showcased for the expressed purpose of being
submitted to a flurry of hurled jibes, insults, and sundry sarcastic
commentary by the three viewers: Joel, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo -- the
latter two individuals being puppets.
What follows is an earlier attempt by me to write in a style similar to that
exhibited in their programmes. The initial creative impetus was provided by
a sarcastic comment during the viewing of "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back."
Previous to anyone taking umbrage to the excerpt, permit me to state that I do
dearly enjoy this film and the remainder of the Star Wars saga and my purpose
here is comedic, not to impecuniate the value of the film.
RaSFoYLiP (or not), a tribute to "Mystery Science Theater 3000":
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
-- THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK --
The scene ... a darkened theater. We note the undulating humps of the
backs of a row of chairs forming the lower border of the screen. At the
rightmost seats are three individuals; in the center is a human, flanked on
both sides by two obviously synthetic constructs -- one looks suspiciously like
an animated gumball machine, the second would best be described as vaguely
birdlike.
On the screen a plot of destiny and conflict is unfolding ... but our
intrepid viewers have become so jaded to the film watching experience, they
cannot help but hurl snide and sarcastic commentary at the screen.
At present, we see a youth hanging for dear life on the edge of a
metallic precipice -- he has just been sucked through an above window and
barely escaped plummeting to his doom down the central core shaft of Cloud
City.
JOEL [ in gravely P.E. instructor voice ]: "Okay, kid, now I want you to give
me sixty chin-ups!"
Luke Skywalker clambers up onto the catwalk of what appears to be some
form of gigantic rudder in the shaft where the tibana gas is harvested for the
floating metropolis. Searching for the way back to the upper levels, he
ventures through an entrance on the outer blade edge of the rudder.
Cautiously walking down a hallway, with various sensor equipment decked
on the walls, Skywalker is surprised as a great, black form leaps from his
concealed position, lightsabre raised, at the startled youth.
IN UNISON: "WAH!"
The Dark Lord of the Sith advances on the boy, opening his attack with
series of quick, brutal slashes, severing parts of exposed machinery.
Skywalker retreats rapidly from the vicious onslaught.
TOM SERVO [ in apologetic, befuddled voice ]: "If this is about your not
wanting to do a sequel,
Mr. Vader ..."
Driving Skywalker back out to the exposed catwalk, Vader continues his
assault . . .
[ Joel's silhouette reaches up and appears to grab the edge of the catwalk;
he pulls himself up and looks around, ducking the combatants. ]
. . . inadvertently cleaving the catwalk's handrails in several places.
JOEL [ parental admonishment ]: "Hey, now there's going to be people walking
along there!"
CROW: "Yeah, he'd better look out, or OSHA'll be after him."
They come together, lightsabres crossed. Vader pushes him away, and
Skywalker slips, falling backwards onto a short stair. Advancing with his
blade held forward, Vader hisses, "You are beaten ... It is USELESS to RESIST."
IN UNISON [ Borg voice ]: "STRENGTH IS IRRELEVANT."
"Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did."
TOM SERVO: "Hey, bucko, you killed him; no good shuffling off the
responsibility on him!"
Towering above the prostrate form of the boy, Vader extends his blade
towards his fallen opponent's chest, Skywalker's wide eyes fixed on the glowing
shaft of light.
Luke manages a few, quick attacks and manages to regain his footing.
They resume the contest, Luke -- amazingly, managing to score a single hit
on Vader's shoulder, and although it glances of his armor, it nevertheless
causes the Dark Lord to utter a sharp syllable registering the pain.
JOEL: "OOOOhhhhh, TAG!"
Vader, apparently undamaged, continues the fight, and in one sharp
horizontal cut, severs an large antenna which rapidly falls into the shaft
below.
CROW [ Parental admonishment ]: "Alright, young man, now you put that back!"
Not pausing to notice the collateral structural damage, the two Jedi
maintain their struggle. In a rapid, spinning maneuver, Vader cuts under
Skywalker's blade and manages to slice his hand clean off, which goes flying
off the precipice along with his extinguished light sabre. The young man
screams in pain, and doubles over, clutching his abbreviated arm to his chest.
JOEL: "Oooooooh! That had ta hurt!"
CROW: "Well, give the man a hand!"
TOM SERVO: "Manicurist services by Darth Vader."
Towering like a thundercloud over Luke's crouched from, Darth Vader
admonishes his victim, "Don't make me destroy you."
CROW [ McCoy voice ]: "Damnit, Luke, don't MAKE me kill you!"
Still not willing to deliver himself to defeat, Skywalker slowly crawls
backward to the navigation beacon jutting from the end of the catwalk. As he
does so, Vader initiates a verbal assault, "Luke, you do not yet realize your
importance. You have only BEGUN to realize your POWER. Join me ... and we can
END this destructive conflict and bring ORDER to the Galaxy."
CROW: "Oh, well NOW he's beginning to talk like a Republican!"
TOM SERVO [Game show host]: "Join the Imperial Navy ... tour the galaxy,
see fascinating cultures ... and destroy them."
Having reached the vertical beacon, Skywalker hangs on for dear life as
his turns to face his conqueror. "I'll never join you!" Luke spits, his voice
strained in anguish.
Raising his fist as thought demonstrating, the Dark Lord intones,
"If you only knew the POWER of the DARK SIDE."
JOEL: "Yeah, it really helps you with those child-proof caps."
TOM SERVO: "Oooh, notice the emphasis."
CROW: "Okay, Mr. Vader, once again, but with FEELING this time."
Vader's psychological attacks continue, and in a suggestive voice he
adds, "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."
TOM SERVO: "Uh, oh. Final Jeopardy time!"
CROW: "Can you name that tune in less than three notes?"
"He told me enough," Luke rasps, changing position on the pole. His
teeth clenched due to the pain, he adds, "He told me you killed him."
CROW: "Uhhhh, Luke, if you're trying to find something in common with him,
that's not the best choice."
"No, Luke, I'M your father."
IN UNISON: "OOOOOOoooooooooooooooohhhh!"
Still clinging to the pole, Luke's countenance changes from resignation
of defeat to utter bewilderment. His eyes wide with horror, he only manages to
shout, "No, that's not true! That's impossible!"
The Dark Lord remains unmoving, adamant in his claim. "Search your
feelings ... you know it to be true."
CROW [ gravely voice ]: "Search your wallet, you know I co-signed your AMEX."
Luke, faced with such a crushing revelation, gives license to his fear
and anguish. Through his rapidly forming tears, he cries, "Nooooooooo!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
TOM SERVO: "Well ... at least he took it well."
JOEL: "Gee, he ought to ask for back allowance!"
The Dark Lord has not yet finished his entreaties. "Luke, you can
destroy the Emperor ... he has foreseen this ... it is your destiny. Join me
... and we can rule the galaxy as father and son!"
TOM SERVO: "The ultimate in Father / Son afterschool activities!"
"Come with me ... it is the only way."
Unconvinced, Luke Skywalker simply releases his grip on the pole,
plummeting into the void below.
JOEL: "Well, I guess there was more than ONLY one way."
CROW: "I'm getting out of this movie, and I don't care what I have
to do to do it!"
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
/\ These thoughts were brought to you by...
/ \\
/ \ \ Doom Technologies & Weapon Systems
/ ---\ \ \ Dark Thought Publications
/ <(O)> \ \ The Prussian Army
/ \ \ The Spanish Inquisition
/ \ / (Weren't expecting them, eh?)
/ \/ The Ancient Order of the Bavarian Illuminati
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ (The World's Oldest Conspiracy...join today!)
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
"We've secretly replaced the coffee normally served at this restaurant with
sand and ground-up clamshells. Let's see if they can tell the difference..."
