| From: | Matt Hufstetler <gt2778a@*****.GATECH.EDU> |
|---|---|
| Subject: | [OT] Dr. Doom |
| Date: | Tue, 10 Jun 1997 00:53:14 -0400 |
something I had forgotten I saved. Most of the oldtimers here may remember
when this happened. Besides, I haven't seen a thap or thwack in a long
time.
MH
-----
Subject: Re: Magic Debate (Long but hopefully amusing)
To: Multiple recipients of list SHADOWRN <SHADOWRN%HEARN.BITNET@******.GATECH.EDU>
Content-Type: text
Content-Length: 6879
Status: RO
NOTE: For the sarcastically impaired, what follows is intended to be
interpreted as being motivated by a desire to create humor.
NEW OFFER: Order now, and pay no interest charges until March!
WARNING: This posting, should your terminal presently be exposed to
a supply of Nitrogen, Oxygen, or Grape Nuts may have the
unusual by-productive effect of causing said terminal to
engage in unmitigated non-suspicious and totally innocuous
behavior for an indefinite period of time. The difficulty
of course shall be ascertaining when this time has ceased.
Von dem GREAT Cornholio:
>NO! DOn't you UNDERSTAND? I am Magius Supremus Pizzus! I have more
>magicK in my little pinky finger than all the shiny skin space on Patrick
>Stewart's and Telly Savales' head COMBINED! I conquer you puny world!
>All non-believers will have their brains turned into guacamole! You will
[various other drivilous elements demonstrating precisely to what magnitude
Cornholio truly exemplifies the "glutton for punishment" personality deleted.]
*GRRRRRRRRRRRRR*
My exasperation quotient is o'ercome, the patience with which I heretofore
regarded this individual has contemporarily wholly expiated ... now shall I
endeavor to encompass his untimely and grisly demise!
RUNNING: Doom Interpreter, version XIII.
DESIRED LANGUAGE? 1) German
2) Freedonian
3) Mordorian Black Speech
4) Sindarian
5) Pig Latin
6) Swahili
7) Swedish
-> 8) English a) Academia (Oxford)
b) Dramatic (Shakespearean)
b) Cockney (British Slang)
-> c) American Common
DECRYPTING ... TIME ESTIMATE: 3 HOURS UNTIL COMPLETION.
2 HOURS UNTIL COMPLETION.
1 HOUR UNTIL COMPLETION.
DONE.
MESSAGE: "That's it ... you die."
The scene [ with apologies to The Frantics ] : A dojo where a number of
individuals have congregated such that they may become disciples of the
new martial art, Top Kal Focus.
Seated upon a small dais is a figure seated in the lotus position,
swathed in shadow and black robes his features are concealed, save
two red orbs, glowing like hot coals, within the black hood. Gravely
he intones his greeting:
"Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the Master. You
have come to this mailing list seeking that I be your guide along the
path of Top Kal Focus, but ... be warned, to learn its ways you must
first learn the ways of your own soul. Let us muse upon this wisdom
now as discussion ensues."
TRANSLATION: 'kay, folks. Let's have some discussion, but don't get
too weird, huh?
The assembly dutifully initiates a wide-band conversation as to rules
clarifications, interpretations, and variant house rules when, suddenly,
a raucous voice pierces the murmuring din.
"The GREAT" Cornholio (who waves amicably to the camera) appears impatient
and suddenly inquires, "Alright, I say Magic doesn't exist! Anyone wanna
debate me?"
Immediately a few wayward participants fall into the trap, and conflict
initiates. This gradually dissipates as the Master approaches. He calmly
inquires, "Who disturbs our discussion as the pebble disturbs the stillness
of the pond?"
TRANSLATION: Who're you and what the Hell do you think you're doing?
"ME ... the GREAT Cornholio."
"The ... GREAT ... Cornholio?"
"Yeah, no disrespect or nuthin', but how long before we get to interestin'
topics?"
"Top Kal Focus is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards
the horizon."
"So ... what, an hour or so?"
"No, no, you must recognize that the discussion of some issues shall be
considered wholly inappropriate within the contemporary milieu, and
although some tangents may be pertinent to the matter at hand, some
shall not and should not be discussed, e'en if only for the amount of
acrimoniousness they foster."
TRANSLATION: Stop rocking the boat, you idiot.
"Oh, yeah? You tellin' me I can't discuss it? Why?"
"Top Kal Focus is the wine of the purity of exploration and exchange of
thoughts, not the vinegar of hostility and flame festivities. Reflect
upon this wisdom with us as we rejoin the exchange..."
TRANSLATION: Get with the program, pal.
Discussion initiates yet again, only to be broken by yet another outburst
by the consternated Cornholio. "Listen here, you reject from 'A Christmas
Carol,' are you gonna get into the discussion of the existence of God and
the Definition of Life or am I gonna have t'start wiping the walls with you?"
Having acquired the Master's undivided attention, Cornholio receives the
stern reply, "Cornholio, you fail to grasp Top Kal Focus, approach me that
you might see." although he fails to mark the presently nigh white-hot
incandescent glow emanating from the folds of the hood.
TRANSLATION: That's it ... you die.
"All right, finally some answers about the Nature of the Universe."
The disparate groups fall silent as all eyes turn to the Master, who
has a single hand raised to draw attention, "Observe closely class:
"BOOT TO THE HEAD!"
*WHOOSH*
TTTTTTTTTTTTT HHH HHH WWW WWW AAAA CCCCCC KKK KKK ||
TTT HHH HHH WWW WWW AAAAAAAA CCC CCC KKK KKK ||
TTT HHH HHH WWW WWW WWW AAA AAA CCC KKK KKK ||
TTT HHHHHHHHHH WWW WWW WWW AAA AAA CCC KKKKKK ||
TTT HHH HHH WWW WWW WWW AAAAAAAAAA CCC KKK KKK ||
TTT HHH HHH WWWWWWWWWWW AAA AAA CCC CCC KKK KKK
TTT HHH HHH WWW WWW AAA AAA CCCCCC KKK KKK **
[ bootleather to the cranium noise ]
/\ These deranged thoughts were brought to you by:
/ \\
/ \ \ Doom Technologies & Weapon Systems
/ ---\ \ \ Dark Thought Publications
/ <(O)> \ \ The Prussian Army
/ \ \ The Spanish Inquisition
/ \ / (Weren't expecting them, eh?)
/ \/ The Ancient Order of the Bavarian Illuminati
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ (The World's Oldest Conspiracy...join today!)
^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
"...and so, the Universe is completely devoid of inhabitants, and any people
you happen to meet merely the products of a deranged imagination...MINE!"
