| From: | Sommers sommers@*****.umich.edu |
|---|---|
| Subject: | [OT] Star Wars Song |
| Date: | Fri, 28 May 1999 10:01:57 -0400 |
>***So James Earl Jones is Vassar College's Commencement speaker for this
>year. Oddly, this event coincides with the release of the much awaited
>"Phantom Menace" and the unexpected popularity of Baz Luhrmann's
"Sunscreen
>Song" (which, if you have had your head under a rock, is a spoken graduation
>address set to music that is constantly playing on many radio stations). And
>so, I can only wonder what would Mr. Jones' address be like....***
>
>
> Everybody's Free (To Embrace The Dark Side)
>
>
>Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...embrace the Dark
>Side. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would
>be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark
>Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
>than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.
>
>I will dispense this advice now...
>
>Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, nevermind, you willnever
>understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has
>destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in
>twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in away
>you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your
>planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your
>planet is not as dull as you imagine.
>
>Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as
>effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real
>troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted
>mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some
>idle Tuesday.
>
>Do in one Death Star officer every day.
>
>Scheme.
>
>Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey
>yours.
>
>Hate.
>
>Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a
>barn.
>
>The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot
>son.
>
>Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty
>upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
>
>Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.
>
>Destroy.
>
>Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The
>most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their
>victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.
>
>Have plenty of minions.
>
>Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
>
>Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe
>he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and
>assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a
>rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.
>
>Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself
>either. Your destiny is half chance. So is everybody else's.
>
>Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what
>other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a
planet
>is insignificant next to its power.
>
>Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
>
>Listen to what the Emperor has forseen, even if you don't follow his
>prophecies.
>
>Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
>
>Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your
>arch-enemies.
>
>Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and
>the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
>
>Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep
>from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
>lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to
>send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
>
>Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.
>
>Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.
>
>Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
>
>Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate
>will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll
>fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial
>Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
>
>Respect your Emperor
>
>Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his
>anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine
>pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his
>sorry ass.
>
>Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than
>you could possibly imagine.
>
>Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or
>I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way
>of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black
>body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.
>
>But trust me on the Dark Side.
Sommers
Insert witty quote here.
