| From: | Doctor Doom <JCH8169@***.TAMU.EDU> |
|---|---|
| Subject: | Physical Adepts . . . a demented view |
| Date: | Wed, 29 Jun 1994 21:48:38 -0500 |
humorous, sample:
From the "Doctor Demento's Twentieth Anniversary Collection":
TI KWAN LEEP
by
The Frantics
"Approach, students, close the circle at the feet of the Master. You have
come to me asking that be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep, but . . .
be warned: To learn its ways you must learn the ways of your own soul.
Let us meditate on this wisdom now."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm."
(in the distance, a raucous voice breaks the rhythm)
"Uh . . . *snap* *snap* Sir? Sir? Oooh! Oooh! Sir?"
"Who disturbs our meditation as the pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?"
"ME. *pause* Ed Grueberman."
(slowly)
"Ed . . . Grueberman."
"Yeah, no disrespect or nothin', but how long is this gonna take?"
"Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever to the
horizon."
"So, like, what? An hour or so?"
(taken aback)
"No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Grueberman, you must learn
patience."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, patience. How long with that take?"
"Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day."
"A YEAR? I wanna beat people up right now! I've got the pajamas. Ha! Ho! Ya!
Hom!" (sounds of various, un-coordinated, maneuvers)
(incredulously)
"Beat people up?"
"Yeah, you just show me all those nifty moves, so I can start trashing bozos.
That's all I came here for. Yo Waa-Ta-Ta-Ta! Pretty good, eh?"
"`The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense.' Do you know who said that?
Kee Lo Knee, the Great Teacher."
"Yeah? Well: `The best defense is a good o-fense.' Do you know who said
that? Mel, the cook on `Alice.'"
(somewhat exasperated by his inability to reach Grueberman)
"Well, um . . . Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of
hostility. Meditate on this truth with us. OOOOOOooommmm."
"Listen, shrimp! Are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna have to
start wiping the walls with you?!"
(at the end of his patience -- sternly)
"Ed Grueberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep.
Approach me that you might see."
"All right, finally some action."
"Observe closely class: Boot to the Head."
*WHOOSH*
*THWACK*
"OWWWW! You Booted me to the Head!"
"You are lucky, Ed Grueberman: Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep
so soon. Now we continue. OOOOOOooommmm."
(in the background: "Oooh . . . ow . . . my head . . . .")
"Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now, Shorty! What are ya,
CHICKEN?"
(calmly)
"Boot to the Head."
*WHOOSH*
*THWACK*
(reeling, incoherently)
"OWWWW! All right, now I'm ready, okay now try it now."
"Boot to the Head."
*WHOOSH*
*THWACK*
(even more softly)
"Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?"
"Now class, we shall return to our--"
(urgently)
"MASTER?"
"It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student!"
"Many apologies, Master, but I do not think that Ed Grueberman is wholly wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"I want to Boot some Head, too."
"Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Grueberman?"
"Yes, Master, I have learned two things: One, Anger is a weapon only to one's
opponent."
(pleased)
"Very good."
"And secondly, get in the first shot: Boot to the Head!"
*WHOOSH*
"You missed."
"Uh, yeah."
(angrily)
"You, too, shall be honored to learn a lesson today: Boot to the Head!"
(in the background: Uh . . . you don't have to, you know, I think I gotta
be going.)
*WHOOSH*
*THWACK*
"OOOOAAAAFFFF!"
(impatiently)
"Can anyone tell us what we have learned here today?"
"Uh, yes, Master: Not a single one of us could defeat you."
"You gain wisdom, child."
"So, we'll have to GANG UP ON YA! GET 'IM, GUYS!"
"BOOT TO THE HEAD!" *WHOOSH* *THWACK*
"BOOT TO THE HEAD!" *WHOOSH* *THWACK*
"BOOT TO THE HEAD!" *WHOOSH* *THWACK*
"Hup!" *WHOOSH* *THWACK* "Hup!" *WHOOSH* *THWACK* "Hup!"
*THWACK*
*THWACK* *THWACK* *THWACK*
(Speaking over the chorus of myriad groans and moans of his students)
"And now, class, let us rejoin the mind to the body, and gaze into the
heart of the candleflame . . . in meditation."
"Oooooooooooommmmmmmmm."
(the various groans join the Master's "Om" into a synchronous sound)
"Very good, class."
/\ These thoughts were brought to you by...
/ \\
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/ ---\ \ \ Dark Thought Publications
/ <(O)> \ \ The Prussian Army
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/ \ / (Weren't expecting them, eh?)
/ \/ The Ancient Order of the Bavarian Illuminati
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