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Message no. 1
From: MC23 mc23@**********.com
Subject: Fwd: Fw: FW: Star Trek Future (fwd)
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 99 15:51:00 -0500
>---------- Forwarded message ----------
>Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
>HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice
>with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
>There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself
>into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the
>future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
>selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to
>describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
>Medical Technology
>On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any
>openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your
>unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut
>as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of
>medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to
>close other people's orifices.
>It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then
>reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker
>to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper
>to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop.
>I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates.
>They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture.
>People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects
>protruding from parts of their bodies.
>'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'
>If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
>house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,
>stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my
>house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to
>arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my
>walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the
>good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
>If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I
>would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break,
>give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd
>never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they
>got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My
>neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only
>after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
> There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time
>wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
>For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
>create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
>characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from
>work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door
>and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince
>me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from
>Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
>Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go
>around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of
>me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's
>exactly why I'd need a massage.
>I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
>Sex with Aliens
>According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures
>who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of
>anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to
>have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're
>suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for
>who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never
>be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a
>galactic-sized mistake.
>Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
> -----------------------------------
>Me: May I touch that?
>Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
>separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred
> Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
> have sex with it.
>Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
>years ago.
>The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
>model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't
>have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the
>future won't be that convenient.
>I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness
>without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service
>at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat
>in front of me at the theater, zap!
>On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It
>happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an
>alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star
>Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession'
>defense is credible.
>Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
>I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
>by an evil alien entity.
>Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
>I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my
>bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time.
>My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be
>another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking
>at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is
>really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the
>willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb
>anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the
>neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other
>neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
>And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
>Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human.
>I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am
>constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with
>some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an
>electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot
>of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so
>you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
>I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
>someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
>myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear
>in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
>It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I
>could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk
>to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during
>boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.
>I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of
>people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look.
>Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for
>everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a
>The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at
>the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and
>slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an
>important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
>I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially
>around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal
>space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a
>phaser to play with.
>I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
>Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult
>dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of
>personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On
>the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
>Shopping with Shields Up
> ------------------------
> Me: Ring this up for me you
> unpleasant cretin.
>Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
>Me: Try it. My shields are up.
>Saleswoman: Damn!
> Me: There's nothing you can do to
> harm me.
>Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
>to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
>Me: Nice try.
>Long-Range Sensors
>If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for
>new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run
>a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of
>the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would
>know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that_$B%__(B0Ameans
>extra break time.
>Vulcan Death Grip
>Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing
>as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That
>would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan
>Death Grip look like an accident.
>'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
>I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other
>citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting
>caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually
>undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You
>wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound
>of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate
>America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . .
>And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
>----------------- End Forwarded Message -----------------

Further Reading

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