| From: | chaos@*****.com (Steven Ratkovich) |
|---|---|
| Subject: | Viruses: A Virtual Farce |
| Date: | Sat, 28 Sep 1996 22:16:17 -0500 (EST) |
it. It's amusing, to say the least.:)
Enjoy.
****************************
Beware of the following viruses, they could be hazardous to your
computer's health.
WARNING! VIRUS ALERT!
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly
about foreign software. Frequently accompanies the Right-to-Life and
the Randall Terry virus
RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do
anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously
a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but
you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to
be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you're getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. t
warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice ifby
C:\.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but
ewe cant figyour outt watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30percent
of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in
half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The
message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other
side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no
new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space
on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
congressional virus.
#######################################################
# -Bull, aka Chaos, aka Rak, aka Steven Ratkovich #
# chaos@*****.com #
# Order is Illusion! Chaos is Bliss! Got any fours? #
#######################################################
"You do more damage out of simple irritation than most
men can do in a towering rage."
-David Eddings, "Demon Lord of Karanda
