| From: | MC23 mc23@**********.com |
|---|---|
| Subject: | Warm Beer? |
| Date: | Tue, 2 Feb 99 15:51:40 -0500 |
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually,
ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990
while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama.
Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine
Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about
ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD
changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced
myself to reserve judgement on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to
appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That
was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new
design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in
the following observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container
may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface
of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum,
by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.
However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you
painted the damn can... black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the
can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this
process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in
Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a
problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are
having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you
had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted
extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed
below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my
pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a
party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then
left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were
sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all
normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their
impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the
initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined
the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average
ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
-------------------------------- ----------------------------
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to
suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans.
All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the
shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with
this guy's letter. Enjoy...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color
as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at
Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have
taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.
Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add
that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly
from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends
to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any
temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to
create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did
some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You
will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking
havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working
in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once
we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger
mistake. So, we took some other actions.
From our market research, we found a difference between Northern
beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend
to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still
researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our
intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our
beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers
and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in
Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can
last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try
consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to
come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine
Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your
problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough
for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth"
cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest
that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke
a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the
can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is
a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This
technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that
there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink
our beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department
work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
