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Message no. 1
From: Mach <mach@****.CALTECH.EDU>
Subject: What have I done?
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 16:41:23 -0700
*****Private: Lorax
>>>>>[Uh...man, I'm not exactly sure what to say about yesterday.

Obviously, I'm embarrassed. I didn't _mean_ for it to happen that way,
let alone have you accidently walk in on us. What am I saying? I didn't
mean for it to _happen_. It just...did.

So now, I'm confused and so Sera's confused, and it's a mess.

I don't know how to describe the problem to her, let alone _if_ I can.
Ariel has been with you for a while now, so I guess, if anybody, maybe you
understand some of this. Maybe you can give me some advice.

Suffice to say that it never happened before. I mean, God, I _thought_
about it. Hell, I thought about it back when she was a planar late some
cold lonely nights in the dorms. But, I always ended up tossing it out of
my head or kept it bottled in a place of my mind where I don't allow her
to go. You just don't _do_ that sort of thing. Right?

But like, we were doing a ritual of change, and when ever you are
channelling mana like that, it gets to be a rush. And when you are
getting _that_ intimate with another being's soul.... And when you are
effectively, already "soul-mates".... And when you put so much of
yourself, your thoughts, your...um...for lack of a better word...desires
into someone.... And when we were finished, and she was there and just
so...radiant, and I was so tired and she was holding me and I started....

I guess I shouldn't find the whole concept that incredible. I just
figured that I was "better" than that. Now....well, I know I'm not.
So what do I do now?]<<<<<
-- Michael <16:40:44/09-22-59 PDT>
Message no. 2
From: Justin Fang <justinf@****.CALTECH.EDU>
Subject: Re: What have I done?
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 21:36:00 -0700
*****PRIVATE: Michael
>>>>>[I am very sorry to have embarrassed you. I feel I should explain how
I managed to walk in on you. I was being treated at a clinic for a few
days, and when I got out I wanted to pick up something I'd left at the
warehouse. I went there before checking this account, so I didn't get your
message reserving the warehouse. When I got there I saw your note, but it
was already past the listed time, so I went in without pausing. Again, I
apologize.

If it makes you feel better, you are certainly not the first to have that
idea, nor the first to act on it. Remember Pygmalion and Galatea? (I will
sheepishly admit to briefly having considered that pair when I had to choose
shadow aliases a couple years ago, but quickly discarded that in favor of
"Prospero" and "Ariel".)

As for what you should do now, well, what do you want to do? What do you
think is right for you to do? What does Seraphina want to do? I must
apologize again for answering your question with more questions, but I'm
tired, the drugs they gave me still haven't completely worn off yet, and my
mind is wandering. Tomorrow I should be able to advise you better. In the
meantime perhaps simply talking with her would help.]<<<<<
-- Lorax <21:08:00/09-22-59>
Message no. 3
From: Justin Fang <justinf@****.CALTECH.EDU>
Subject: Re: What have I done?
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 11:22:05 -0700
*****PRIVATE: Michael
>>>>>[To continue where I left off: you must, of course, decide for
yourself
what is right or wrong, but I hope my scattered musings may be of some use
to you.

I think the first important question is love. "How do I love thee? Let me
count the ways." Do you love Seraphina? Like a friend, a child, a pet, an
ideal, a lover, a spouse? What is she to you and you to her?

The other important question is, What does Sera want? Spirits, of course,
don't have glands pumping out hormones, or any of the other clumsy machinery
of human minds, but, as we both know, they have their own emotions and
drives. Being new to this world, Sera's opinions may be, as yet, somewhat
unformed. Also, she may know how to express what she feels in human words.
But then, to know the true heart of another person has never been simple;
such is the human condition.

Perhaps telling you something of my own experiences will help. Someone, I
think Carl Jung, once proposed that every individual has within them
something of the other gender, the animus or anima. This is what Ariel is
to me, my anima, the other (and, I fear, better) half of my soul. She is my
hope at redemption, for everything of myself that is good I wish to give to
her before I die. So to hurt her would be to hurt myself. This is just my
experience, and I think that every mage who summons an ally must have a
different one.]<<<<<
-- Lorax <22:33:20/09-23-59>
Message no. 4
From: Mach <mach@****.CALTECH.EDU>
Subject: Re: What have I done?
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 23:46:12 -0700
*****Private: Lorax
>>>>>[Decide for _myself_ what is right or wrong? Heh. Thought you knew
me well enough to know how I'd feel about that. People do that, and they
are already walking down that proverbial path "paved with good
intentions." No, there are absolutes in this world. Hard part is
figuring out what they are. Which isn't to say you aren't a help. Just,
I've never been much for moral relativism. Too easy to fool oneself into
thinking everything is just fine the way it is.

Yes, I love her, or at least I think I do. She is my friend, companion,
my other-self. But, that's almost beside the point. She is also, my
Ally, my creation, my "child" as much as I don't want to admit or even
think about it. I had thought that I could somehow bring her into our
world unchanged, but the more I allow myself to look at her with unclouded
eyes, the more I see I may have been wrong. Very wrong.

I went back to the University to see if I could talk with one of the
priests yesterday. Luckily, I ran into Father Timothy, and we ended up
having a rather long talk. I figured most wouldn't really be able to
understand my situation well enough to counsel me on it, so it is really
fortunate I found him. He was the one from whom I studied the "Many
Children of God," not to mention being the College of Theology and
Thaumaturgy's best Summoner. He is a good man, we even used to joke he
was one of the NeoJesuits behind his back because he was too good of a man
and too skilled at conjuration for him to be stuck teaching. 'Course
given the Church's early stance on summoning, it isn't so strange, I
guess.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. The heart of the matter is, to use his
words, "Sin is as much a matter of the heart, as it is the deed." To do
the right thing for wrong reasons can as much be an evil as doing the
wrong thing for the right reasons. Even if I love Sera, is that enough?
She is my ally...whether I am conscious of it, she is dependant on me, and
bound to me. She is obliged to my will in a way that I can't be sure that
when I wish something she isn't being compliant because she wants to be,
or because she wishes to please me? I had always thought Sera is her own
"person" and not my marionette, but in talking to her, especially with Fr.
Timothy, I can't say I am sure she quite understands where my will ends
and her free will begins.

I know she wants to please me. That much is clear, and she understands
that what we did is what humans do when they wish to do that. I don't
think she fully understands the role of procreation, and how her being a
spirit both simplifies and complicates the issue. Nor, do I think she
fully realizes the normal emotional consequences. I mean, in the way, I
helped to form her, at least in this plane, so wouldn't being desirous of
that constitute incest? Pygmalion-complex at least. And there-in lies
the "other problem."

"If you love someone, set them free."

Can I let her go? You know how much you have to give of yourself to bring
them into our world. And how much you bond with them...to let her go, it
would be like asking me to cut off my own arm. But unlike my arm, she has
her own mind, so the comparison fails and I am forced to admit how shallow
and vain I am. She may "feel" like she is a part of me, but she isn't, is
she? If she was, then I wouldn't even consider letting her go.

Should I let her go? I mean, how would Ariel react if you said you were
going to set her free? Would she not see you as throwing her away? If I
couldn't make Sera understand why I wanted to set her free, it wouldn't be
right. Would it?

As is, she isn't around. She knew something was upsetting me, and I guess
she figured out she had something to do with it, and said she wished to be
away from me for a while. She told me to call her back whenever I wanted
to, but I'm not feeling up to it just yet.

Looks like another long night of pondering.]<<<<<
-- Michael <23:34:24/09-25-59 PDT>
Message no. 5
From: Justin Fang <justinf@****.CALTECH.EDU>
Subject: Re: What have I done?
Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 12:58:40 -0700
*****PRIVATE: Michael
>>>>>[Even if there is Truth, each individual must still decide if they
have
found it... or when they have found someone who has found it. That's what I
meant. In my experience, the debate is more or less the same, whether you
are debating what *should be* right and wrong or what *is* right and wrong.
You don't need to tell me about good intentions. "Two paths diverged in a
wood, and I took the one paved with good intentions."

"NeoJesuits"?

Yes, I've thought about the problem of free will and consent. And yes,
sometimes it disturns me. I've tried to explain to Ariel that, like any
other person, she has rights, that I *want* her to say no if I ask her to do
something she doesn't want to do. At one point I even told her everything I
remembered from my long-ago philosophy and ethics class. I'm not sure how
much of it she understood, but then, I'm not sure how much of it I
understood. (It went over better than algebra and trigonometry, anyway.)
But in the end (or, more accurately, in the beginning), I guess I decided to
do what felt right and hope for the best. In retrospect, I'm not sure how
much choice *I* had, given my not-very-stable mental state at the time. I
*am* sure that without Ariel I would have gone insane and most likely died.

As for setting her free: I'm far, far behind on current magical theory, but
when I studied it many years ago, it was thought that the nature of the link
prevented the summoner from voluntarily breaking it. There was a case on
record where an apparently highly disgruntled spirit had broken free while
it's summoner was comatose, but other than that it seemed to be "til death
do you part". Have more recent discoveries shown otherwise?]<<<<<
-- Lorax <12:04:26/09-25-59>
Message no. 6
From: Mach <mach@****.CALTECH.EDU>
Subject: Re: What have I done?
Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 16:04:08 -0700
*****Private: Lorax
>>>>>[You have a point. From afar, someone searching for Truth, and
someone attempting to fashion a version of it for themselves may look to
be doing the same thing. But there is one distinction. The searcher
knows that the ultimate arbiter of Truth doesn't rest within himself,
which the fashioner may delude himself into believing. Far greater men
than you or I have spent lifetimes discussing the nature and reality of
Truth and the matter is as yet incompletely resolved, so I think we may
have to agree to disagree on the matter.

Oh...the NeoJesuits...well, that is what some of us call them. There are
rumors and tales, some more truthful sounding than others that there
exists a "New Society of Jesus" formed by the Holy See and the original
Jesuits. The Jesuits have always been what you might call "God's Marines"
as one old Jesuit used to joke. Well, with the Awakening, and the advent
of such things as Tir na nOG and Aztlan taking over Roman Catholic
strongholds like Ireland and Mexico, word is that it was decided to form
an offshoot of Brothers and priests, and possibly even Sisters who would
be able to investigate, and if need be help the church combat any threat
posed to the Church by these events. Suffice to say, I've never seen a
second collection being taken up for them, but the strength of the rumors
that they exist, especially given some stuff happening down in Mexico
seems to indicate they aren't just a figment of someone's imagination.

No, I think you are right as to the strength of the bond. The bond that
exist between Ally and Summoner cannot be severed easily. At least none
of my research so far into the matter has indicated a simple and safe way.
But, if one is willing to submit themselves to that which would
sufficiently weaken the link such that the spirit _could_ break away, with
the spirit wishing to in the first place and you not fighting the severing
of the bond...yes, it theoretically can be done. Mind you, it isn't
something I would choose to do lightly, and only if I am sure it is what
we _both_ want. But, if I was sure, I could do it without much
hesitation.]<<<<<
-- Michael <16:03:32/09-25-59 PDT>

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